BONUS! I have severe social anxiety. How do I make friends?

Dear Grace,

How does someone with social anxiety go about meeting people and making friends? People scare me. I can’t do big groups. I don’t drink. I hate sitting in front of my tablet and seeing what everyone else is doing, it just makes me feel even more lonely. I want to make some friends who I can talk to and do things with. I’m poor so going for more than coffee is out, but hey being invited means at least I was thought about. I still check on people I haven’t seen in years but no one ever checks on me. I feel as though I don’t exist unless someone needs or wants something. So how do I make friends?

– All Alone in Ohio

Dear All Alone,

At the end of each Dear Grace column, I give you the chance to reflect and share your advice on the dilemma at hand. Each month, I choose a few columns to bring back for a BONUS edition featuring some of the thoughtful insight that you shared. 

This month, we’re giving some more love to All Alone. Thanks, readers, for reminding us all that we’re never truly alone.

Now, here’s your advice:

Connect with the community. I know how hard it is to meet new people as we get older. My entire social network has moved away, so I am faced with a similar predicament. I belong to a book club and volunteer for a couple of organizations. Libraries often have learning opportunities as well as volunteer opportunities. Does your neighborhood or apartment have a dinner co-op? If not, start one! Bumble and other online platforms have friends options where you can find a new coffee buddy and sharpen your social skills. Bring along a game or ice breaker to avoid the awkwardness of meeting new people, you’ll do great! 

Start small. Hey All Alone, start one person at a time or go to events that might interest you and people watch. When people speak to you, return the favor. Once you’re ready for your next baby step, compliment someone (what they’re wearing, the activity you’re doing, whatever makes sense). Take your time, go at your pace, and always stay safe.

Reflect on your relationships. I’ve been where you are, All Alone, and I learned that I made my slump myself. I too felt like I wasn’t important. I always blamed people for ignoring me unless they needed something, but I finally realized that I had been pushing them away. The only way that I let anyone into my life was if they needed something. After I realized I was actually the one avoiding them, I started calling them and they started calling me back and now we see each other as often as possible. So maybe you should reach out to them and tell them what you need. Give them the chance to be there for you.

Give yourself a pep talk. When I feel down or lonely, I give myself pep talks. I say out loud, “I’m in a great mood and in a great place, I can be anybody or do anything.” I have moved to two different states in the last 3 years and realized no one knows me, so I can be anyone or anything I want to be. I always try to give off positive energy and share a welcoming smile or just a simple hello. 

Take care of YOU. Sometimes, at least for me, it’s about doing good things for myself, saying “no” when I feel I’m being used, or simply eating a healthy meal or snack and going for a walk. Being kind to our body, mind and spirit shows self love. Loving ourselves for exactly where we are NOW is so important. It may seem like a lot of work ahead, but you can take it one step at a time. You sound very kind and caring and you deserve good friends. I’m wishing you the very best, my friend.  

Buddy up. Hi All Alone, I am a single mom living in Nebraska with my two kids. I also suffer from severe social anxiety. Being in large groups of people sends me into an emotional tailspin. Here’s what I’ve come up with: first, I had to figure out what it was about social situations that gave me such anxiety. Once I did that, I went to a therapist and I am currently working through those things. Self awareness is a powerful tool! The first social step I took was going to church with my mother. She had always been my #1 fan. So I knew in my heart she’d never steer me wrong. While I realize that not all churches are full of warm welcoming people, maybe if you have a family member that does something social like this you could tag along once or twice. It’s always easier to start with people you trust and who support you. If not, a good book club could be a nice stepping stone. You’ll have to fight your anxiety to get there for the first few times probably, but I promise you after you’ve gone it’ll be worth it.

We hope this helps and reminds you that you aren’t, in fact, alone at all. Wishing you the best!

– Grace and the Readers