Grace, when is it time to stop grieving?

Dear Grace,

My mother passed away two years ago and I still have a hard time getting through the day. When is it time to stop grieving? What if I’m never ok?

– Grieving in Green Bay

Dear Grieving,

My heart goes out to you right now. Grief is one of the strange parts of life that we all experience, but that we rarely talk about. It’s one thing in life that everyone owns and yet there is no owner’s manual for it. But that doesn’t stop us from looking for instructions for how to fix it, does it? The catch is that it’s different for everyone, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution or lifehack to be found. I wish there was. 

However, there are some things you can keep in mind that will help you navigate such a hard time: 

There is no ‘right way’ to grieve. Your loss is personal. No one else had the relationship you had with your mom, or is experiencing her absence the way you are. Instead of comparing your grief to others or wondering if you’re doing it right, listen to your heart and trust that living with loss will get a little easier each day. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to have moments of sadness and feel uncertain about how to navigate this challenging journey. Be kind to yourself, you are coping with a life-altering loss, and your feelings are valid.

Let go of “moving on.” Losing a loved one isn’t just a momentary pain that you “get over” and forget about. Your grief for your mom will change over time and hopefully become less raw, but it never fully goes away and really, we wouldn’t want it to, would we? Grief is a reminder of the love that you shared and the impact that she had on your life. Her loss, like her life, is part of you now. That doesn’t mean that you’ll spend your whole life feeling the pain you feel now, instead it means that you will find ways to remember your mother and celebrate her life. This could look like flipping through old photos with a relative or friend, carrying on a tradition that she loved, or having her favorite meal on her birthday. Any of these can help you keep her close in a way that brings you more smiles than tears.  

Don’t go it alone. It sounds like the past two years have been really hard for you, and while I hope this column provides a little help and guidance, you may need more than my words can offer. There is no guidebook for mourning, but that doesn’t mean we have to figure it out on our own. Consider reaching out to a counselor to work 1 on 1, joining a support group, or just looking for some resources that can help. Here are some good places to start:

• Counseling for folks with insurance
• Counseling if you don’t have insurance
• Not ready to talk 1-1 with someone? Check out Help Texts, you can subscribe to get supportive text messages to help you process grief.

While you might feel alone right now, Grieving, every one of us knows (or will know in our lifetime) the pain of saying goodbye to someone we love. As hard as it is, your grief is a testament to the kind of mother your mom was and the relationship you had. Try to hold on to how lucky you were to have her, and how she wouldn’t want you to be in such pain. She’d help you if she were here, and want you to reach out to others since she’s not. 

With so much love and support, 

Grace