How do I break up with a friend?

Dear Grace,

I have a toxic friend who I’m trying to deal with as nicely as possible. Recently, she’s gotten into a fight with another long-time friend of mine. I wasn’t involved and I’ve asked them both to leave me out of it. The long-time friend respects my boundaries, but my other friend constantly rehashes their fights with me. Anytime alcohol is involved, I get 127 text messages, rambling on incoherently! I don’t want to stay in this friendship but I’m not sure of the best way to bow out, since that is what started this feud with my other friend. How do I step away without getting on her shit-list and the whole situation getting even worse?

– Mistreated in the Mountains

Dear Mistreated,

I want to first commend you for trying to deal with your friend as nicely as possible, despite the inappropriate behavior you’re experiencing. They say hurt people hurt people. And while that doesn’t excuse anything she’s doing, I appreciate that you want to be kind and not escalate an already bad situation. 

However, this is a problematic friendship, and I fully support setting boundaries that help you thrive. Fortunately, exiting or sunsetting a friendship isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. You have a few options:

The direct option: If you’re concerned that your friend won’t get the subtle hint that you’re not interested in staying friends, you may need to spell it out for her. Be direct, but kind. You could start with, “I know things have been tense recently, and I need some space.” I’m assuming there’s a reason you became friends, that something drew you to her in the beginning. And while her current actions have become unacceptable, being honest and open allows for the possibility of being in each other’s lives again down the road, if that’s a door you’d like to leave open.

The fade out: If being direct feels like a fast track to her “S-List,” you might want to just let your friendship naturally fizzle out. You don’t have to ghost her, but you can interact with her less. Stop making plans to get together, and no longer respond to the “127 messages” when she’s drinking. Engaging less will put the distance between the two of you that you need, and most likely, over time, you’ll grow apart naturally and without hard feelings. 

Ghost her: Just kidding! Ghosting someone is not a healthy way to get out of a relationship. Instead of giving you both closure, sudden radio silence generally leaves people feeling confused and angry. That’s only going to create more resentment and potentially lead to her lashing out further. It also robs her of the chance to learn from this, address her behavior and become the kind of friend you deserve. 

Whatever path you choose, I hope you continue to approach this situation as healthily as you can by clearly stating your boundaries, and remembering that while you can’t control your friend’s reactions (or text messaging!) you can control your response to them.

Every relationship gives us a chance to grow as a person. Despite having to step away from this friend, take some time to think about what you learned about yourself through this experience. From where I sit, it looks like you’ve become even more confident in your boundaries and sure of the kind of friend you’re looking for, all while remaining compassionate, too. Being a healthy, good friend to yourself makes you a better friend to all in the long run.  Good for you! 

Your friend,

Grace