He says they’re just white lies. Am I overreacting?

Dear Grace,

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year now. He’s always told me minor white lies throughout our relationship over stupid things. When his friends are around it’s even worse.  I don’t know how to handle this. How do I know he’s not lying about big things? How do I know he hasn’t lied about our relationship? When I asked him why he lies like he does, he said he didn’t want to upset me or make me mad. I think if you truly love each other you shouldn’t or wouldn’t lie. How would you handle this? My heart is cracking more with each tiny white lie.

– (Un)Trustworthy in Texas

Dear (Un)Trustworthy, 

I’m sorry to hear how stressful this is. Some say the worst heartbreak is the slow kind, and I feel for you. The good news is that nothing about your question screamed “END OF RELATIONSHIP” to me. There is still plenty of work to be done, but I’m hopeful that you two can find your way through this. Here’s my advice:

Tell him how you feel. If he truly thinks his lies are no big deal, then it shouldn’t be a big deal to tell the truth. Let him know that lying (even about stupid things) breaks your trust and is bringing up doubts about his word and your relationship. Being direct gives you the best possible chance to set a clear boundary moving forward. 

Ask questions. Having a frank conversation also gives you the chance to ask him to be direct with you and share what might lie behind the lies (pun not intended). If he’s afraid of upsetting you like he has said, maybe you can learn more about why that is—did a past reaction signal that you wouldn’t take things well? Did he have a negative experience in a past relationship? Or could this have been a pattern he observed in his house growing up? Getting to the why will help you all put this issue to bed. 

Since he seems to bend the truth more around his friends, ask him to help you understand why. Rather than standard yes/no questions, ask open-ended questions like “I want to understand why you told me X in front of your friends—what was going on there?” Stating that you’re trying to understand instead of assigning blame can also help him open up so you two can get to the bottom of this. 

Check in on your progress. We’re all creatures of habit, and if white lies are a true habit of his, they might take time to break. Check in with him every now and then to ask him how he feels things are going. This is a chance for you both to practice being honest with each other and make it a normal part of your life and relationship together. If having a sit-down conversation feels a little awkward or not quite your style, take a page from Ted Lasso’s book and come up with a codeword you can use to mean “be honest with me.” Ready, set, Oklahoma. 

We’ve all told white lies before, Un(Trustworthy), but it’s important to know when to draw the line. I hope the truth wins out here, I’ll be thinking of you!

Grace