Ask The Readers: How do we stop fighting?

Dear Readers, 

For the past month, all my husband and I do is argue and nitpick about stupid little things. We don’t even know why we are doing this to each other. How can we fix this? 

– Unsure in Utah

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Dear Unsure, 

This question really struck a chord with us! So many of your fellow readers have been in your shoes before either as the nitpick-er or the nitpick-ed. When I shared your question with our readers, over 800 of your peers wrote in to share their thoughts, tips, and personal experience. 

All relationships have their ups and downs, and part of spending a long time with one partner is figuring out how to love each other well through it all. Here’s our advice:

Communicate, communicate, communicate! 

“My husband and I used to do this exact same thing! We eventually sat down and had a conversation about the issue at hand. It may be because either he is going through something within himself or vice versa. That helped us a little but what also helped was a little self reflection time, each our own individual reflection moment. Try taking some time out by yourself to take that breather and reflect on what could be causing the problems.”

“In my experience, the solution starts with offering grace to your partner. When you feel the beginning of another argument or opportunity to pick at them coming on, give them some grace instead. It’s going to take a lot of willpower, but count to 10 (or even 100) to give yourself time to take a few deep breaths so you can calm and center yourself before you respond. All these things can allow you to respond in at least a neutral way if not a pleasant way. Couples tend to mirror one another so, if you can defuse the situation for a bit, your partner should start following your lead.” 

Dig a little deeper. “Often I have found a change like this in an otherwise happy relationship to be triggered by some type of life change like a move, a job change (or even a change in job responsibilities), a change in health or an outside relationship such a relationship with another loved one. If you are looking for a cause, you might start here.”

“Often we are picking at little things to avoid a big thing. Before you start to pick at something, stop and ask yourself “will this still bother me in a week (month, year)?” My boyfriend once told me (I’m the nitpicker), that when he is about to be mad at me for something, he stops and finds something good to say to me instead. . .and it helps him to lessen the emphasis on what might be wrong, and focus on what’s going right. We just celebrated 12 years together and we rarely argue.”

Spend quality time together. “Think about what each of you have on your plate. Too many of our lives these days are filled with 30 hours of stuff to do in every 24 hour period. Try looking at all those things both of you feel you have to do, see if you each truly want all those obligations in your lives and see if you can find just a little bit of time, ideally daily, to just be with them so you are working on your relationship. Take a 10-minute walk together, take 5 minutes to talk about something good that happened to you today. It will help you reset your relationship and return to the better relationship you enjoyed before.  And don’t forget those nonverbal actions that communicate your love and caring, eye contact, touch, positive actions and reactions. When you are giving that more mindful, positive response, add eye contact in a caring gaze, softly touch their arm or give them a hug.”

Take some time for yourself. “Sometimes, when we spend too much time together, we begin to act like siblings. We need personal time–and, no, I don’t mean running errands or sitting by yourself. It’s quality time apart a few times a week. Get together with friends, YOUR friends. Not his and yours. Think like a single girl (minus the part where you try to flirt with anyone else). What made life fun before you got married? Join a women’s group. You need to do things apart so you have real things to talk about when you’re together. It also helps you give each other space. You can’t miss each other if you’re always together. You can be married and still go and be your own person. Time apart is awesome therapy.”

Ask for help when you need it. “If you try to work things out but feel like you’re just spinning your wheels, consider talking to a couples therapist to get some help. Human beings are complicated and sometimes an unbiased perspective is just what you need to untangle the issue in front of you.” 

I hope this advice helps, Unsure. So many women here have been in the same boat and have found their way through it—you’re not alone. We’re all wishing you and your husband the very best!

Grace and your fellow readers