How do I stop caring about what other people think?

Dear Grace,

How do I develop self-confidence and not worry about what people think about me? I have a lot of tattoos, social anxiety, and depression. I always feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I take everything too seriously and I can’t hold myself accountable and stay motivated to work out. I’m too hard on myself, but I also want to improve at the same time.

– Judged in Jacksonville

Dear Judged,

This letter—particularly your last line—really hit close to home. Many women I know, myself included, can relate to feeling caught between other people’s judgment and our own internal criticism. Please know you’re not alone in feeling like this, Judged.

You deserve to hit the gym feeling motivated and confident, and I want to help you get there. Here’s a few things you can focus on to start boosting your self-confidence and set yourself up for success:

Practice positive self-talk. Did you know research shows that saying positive things to ourselves can actually help us build our confidence? Choose a positive affirmation—this could be a quote, mantra, or just something you like about yourself—to repeat to yourself out loud. Try doing this in the car before you go into the gym to give yourself an extra boost of confidence—think of it as a pre-game pep talk from your inner coach. Not sure what to say? Try any of these to get started: 

• I am strong and capable.
• I will not let my fears hold me back. 
• I am proud of myself. 

If talking to yourself feels silly at first, go with it! Don’t be afraid if you make yourself laugh. Laughter is always great for lifting our moods and it may help ease those feelings that you’re taking things too seriously all the time. Make it one of the things you’re proud of: “I love that I do this every day even though I feel a little silly.”

Give yourself some easy wins. There’s a great saying: progress, not perfection. It’s easy to get discouraged when we expect ourselves to achieve a huge goal overnight. Instead, start small and get some wins under your belt before trying to set and achieve bigger goals. For example, if you experience social anxiety, it can be hard to get to a crowded gym every day—or even at all. Instead, you could set yourself a goal of going twice a week during hours when it’s not so busy, or find a comparable activity that is less congested, like a hike or bike ride. Don’t get so focused on the big goal that you forget to celebrate the small achievements along the way. Reaching out to me was another positive step that you took in this journey. Writing a letter and opening up to someone else is hard for a great many people. But you did it!

Remember that we are all our worst critics. Think back to all of the places you’ve been recently: the coffee shop, the grocery store, the gym. Can you describe any of the people you saw? How they were dressed or what color their hair was dyed? I’m willing to bet that very few, if any, people made a lasting impression on you. The truth is that we’re all so focused on our own lives, we don’t pay that much attention to the people around us. What seems like a really big deal to us, often doesn’t even stand out to others. When you start to get anxious, remind yourself that no is judging you more harshly than you are.

Lastly, we aren’t going to make everyone like us in this world, Judged, no matter how hard we try. And at the end of the day, the thing that matters most to our happiness isn’t how much other’s like us—it’s how much we like ourselves. Give yourself the grace to be happy with the person you’ve become; after all, you made you. 

With love and compassion,

Grace