I’m an adult but my mom still wants me to call every day. How do I get some space without hurting her feelings?

Dear Grace,

I’m a 44 year old single mother. I live about 30 minutes from my parents and don’t see a reason to call my mom every day. She gets mad when I don’t call her daily, but talk to my good friend, who she’s jealous of. She acts like a helicopter mom even though I’m a grown woman. What’s the best way of setting boundaries with her?

– Setting Boundaries in Shenandoah

Dear Setting Boundaries,

Reading your question, I’m struck by how you manage to find ways to show up for all of the people in your life. And before we get into any advice, allow me to say I think that’s pretty remarkable, and I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve. 

That being said, it can be hard to be so “in demand” all the time. While it’s really nice that your mother wants you in her life more often, clearly finding the right balance with her is creating some strain on your relationship. Here are some things you can try to ease that tension:

Empathize with your mom. I’m not suggesting that the only solution is to appease your mom with daily calls, or that you should feel guilty when you can’t. However, finding some empathy for her feelings can help lessen the frustration you’re feeling—while also addressing what may be the real issue. It sounds like your mom is struggling with feeling like she isn’t the center of your world anymore and might even be a little lonely. Maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed by changes in her life. We tend to think that growing up only happens when we’re young, but every life transition brings its own growing pains: retirement, becoming a grandmother, running into health issues, you name it. Having some empathy for what she might be going through is an important part of finding a solution that meets your needs without driving you two apart.

Find a happy medium. Your mom is looking for more connection with you, and I’m a big fan of quality over quantity. Instead of daily calls, suggest a regular (you decide how often) lunch date or visit with you and the kids for some dedicated, quality time.

Explain how busy life gets during the week and that you really don’t have time to be present on the phone with her each day, but that you’d love to find something special you can do together that works for both of you. By asking for her input in helping you problem solve, she may be better able to empathize with you and get to the heart of what she’s really looking for, too. And if she does continue to insist that she needs daily contact, try a text instead of a full-blown phone call. This way you can send it on your own schedule, which may help her feel seen without stressing you out. 

Remember what you can control. You know this is one of my favorite pieces of advice, right? No matter how much you want to help and see her happy, your mom is an adult who is ultimately in charge of her choices and feelings. One of the hardest life lessons we learn is how to take control of your own happiness and well-being–and let others do the same. Keep being a thoughtful, compassionate daughter and setting boundaries that allow you to be a healthy, happy individual. That will always be the best way to show up for your loved ones, SB. 

In addition to being a daughter, you are also a parent. Having a loving but healthy relationship with your mother and setting good boundaries will model mature and respectful relationships for your own child, so that they can have successful relationships in their own lives. Speaking up is a gift you can give your child and yourself. 

In love and support,

Grace