Ask The Readers: I’m in love with my best friend–what do I DO?
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Dear Readers,
I need help bad….I’m in love with my best friend and I don’t know what to do. He is married but they are separated and he says he doesn’t love her. Whenever he’s out of town, he calls me and gushes about how he loves me, but then he never acts on it. I love him like my best friend and lover, but I’ve been doing this for 3 years.
Do I end it or give him a final ultimatum: step up or go away?
– Lost in Livingston
Dear Lost,
Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!
Even when it feels like you’re in a totally unique situation, you might be surprised to find that someone else has stood in your shoes. Your fellow readers answered your question with care, thoughtfulness, and some good old tough love.
Here is what they had to say:
Reflect on what you want.
“This sounds like an unhealthy situation for you and I suggest looking within yourself and asking what is this situation offering you? Are you somehow feeling safer by forgoing intimacy? Are you feeling unworthy of being truly loved and supported in a wholehearted relationship? Because this seems to be a holding pattern for you. It’s more important to understand how the relationship serves you than what he is or isn’t doing. You are allowing this to go on and it’s important to think about why.
I say this with the best of intentions because I have engaged in similar situations where the “partner” was not really fully available to me. Explore your inner life with curiosity and no blame or shame and you may be surprised at what comes to the surface. Good luck on your journey!”
“I don’t want to sound flippant but that sounds like a Hallmark movie. I think you need to tell him how you feel. Personally, I wouldn’t like the way he’s handling his marriage. I would be leary of this to be honest. As much as it might hurt, you need to take a long look at his behavior. He’s not being fair to either of you…do you really want a long term relationship with someone who isn’t honest? Think it through and good luck.”
Listen to his actions, not his words.
“This situation can be a little messy. There could be potential for a great romance or for the friendship to be ruined altogether. I personally think it depends on the amount of time that he and his wife have been separated. You don’t want to be a rebound girl after a marriage. Also, is there a chance of them reconciling since they aren’t divorced yet, only separated? If it looks like it’s really done for good I would be very direct about what you want to happen. It’s 2024 and a woman has every right to lay it all out on the table. 3 years is a long time to pine for someone and you could be missing out on other opportunities if you’re waiting for him to step up. I wish you luck, whatever happens!”
“Actions speak louder than words, this has been going on for 3 whole years and he has not made a commitment, and he is only separated and hasn’t gotten a divorce. I think you need to end this relationship and find someone who is going to be there for you and truly care, love and support you. There is someone out there for you and you deserve better. Take care of yourself, get out there in the world and, when it is meant to be, you will find someone you will truly care about and who loves you for who you are.”
Ask yourself: Is it really love?
“What a tough situation. Stand true to your feelings but do not let yourself become a security blanket for him which could easily happen in your situation. Have you ever asked him why he only catches feelings when he is away? As much as you feel you love him, ask yourself if it’s love or just feeling needed? There is a thin line between someone needing you and someone using you as a crutch to boost themselves up.”
“I would start by asking why you’re in this situation at all. What is it about having this relationship with him, at a distance, that has filled a need for you. How do you feel when he calls you when he’s out of town? Were you waiting for his phone call? Or were you waiting for a phone call? In other words, are you lonely or are you in love? Here’s the other thing I’ll say. I have never seen a man who has led someone along for 3 years then followed through. If he doesn’t love her and he does love you, then why hasn’t he acted on it? Try and ask that question without making excuses for either of you. Just accept what has happened in the past and ask yourself hard questions—because you are the only one that has the answer to this.”
Be direct.
“I would share how I felt about the situation. Ask for what you want. The worst that could happen is if he doesn’t commit or goes back with his wife. Either way you need to know so you can move forward.”
“I would absolutely tell him to sh*t or get off the pot! Ask him about why he says he loves you but never acts on it. Communication is always key!”
We hope this helps, Lost in Livingston—remember that you deserve the best and we’re all rooting for you <3
The Readers
