Ask The Readers: Should I move in with my long-distance boyfriend?

Dear Readers,

Should I move in with my boyfriend of two years? We live two hours apart and only see each other on weekends. I love him dearly and want to take the next step, but I don’t know whether living together is it. What should I do?

– Dazed in Dayton

Dear Dazed,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

This question felt familiar to a lot of us—you’re certainly not the only person who has wondered what the “next step” in their relationship looks like and how to know whether it’s time to take the leap. Whether or not we’ve been in your exact situation (or are in it now!), we had some advice to share. 

Here are some of the top pieces of advice:

Do a trial run. Have you spent time with him? Your house or his? For a minimum of a week? I asked my daughter to have her long distance man come here first. She now wishes she had. There’s no harm in testing things out before you make a more permanent decision. 

Ask the tough questions. There are so many factors to take into consideration. Would you move in with him or would he move in with you? If it’s the former, what kind of life would you have there? Do you know more people in his town? Would you work? How will you manage expenses and divide chores? And the most important question: have you talked about it as a couple? Does he want the same thing? Make sure that you’re not setting yourself up to make all the sacrifices, if he wants this as much as you then he needs to make changes also. Good luck!

Try moving instead of moving in. I would wait until I lived in the same city for at least six months or so. Long distance relationships don’t allow a couple to see how each other lives and acts day to day, hour by hour. I would hate to commit to shared bills and rent and daily living hassles, while also having to learn all the little details about daily moods and actions. The next step you are desiring may be for one of you to get a job near the other, and commit to living a daily shared existence first. 

Communicate your shared values and goals. There is that saying, “you don’t know someone until you live with them” and in my experience that is true. Get really clear on what each of you wants and expects out of a living space. What are standards of behavior if it doesn’t work out? Like do you know for sure he isn’t the type of person to throw you out of his house as soon as you have your first fight? Moving in together changes things significantly, but if you have open and honest communication then you can communicate effectively and hopefully have a smooth transition. 

Agree on a timeline. Whether you choose to move in together now or not, long distance relationships are typically not meant as “forever” arrangements. If living together is your goal but now isn’t the right time, talk to your boyfriend and agree on another time to reconsider. Giving yourself an “end date” to your long distance relationship can help you feel like you’re still moving forward. 

Moving in together can be a great step, as long as the two of you are on the same page and equally willing to adapt to make things work. We’re sending you all our love!

The Readers