How do I get my husband to spend less time on his phone and more time with the family?

Dear Grace,

How do I make my husband understand that he needs to spend less time on the phone talking to others after coming home from work and spend more time with his family?

– Lonely in Lafayette

Dear Lonely,

So many of us have stood in your (and even your husband’s) shoes, Lonely. Taking each other for granted is a common issue in long-term relationships, and having our phones constantly within arm’s reach makes it even easier to live next to each other rather than with each other.  Feeling neglected is no fun, but the good news is there are usually some pretty straightforward fixes. 

The key here is communicating in a way that you both feel heard, and not attacked. Here are some suggestions for doing that: 

Start a conversation. You’ll note I said “conversation” not “argument.” My first instinct is often to bring something up in the moment when I’m riled up and coming in hot. Learn from my mistakes: I’ve learned to wait until I’m calm and collected if I want to actually resolve the issue. Talk to your husband about this behavior and how it makes you feel. The best way to find a solution is to open up a conversation when you both have the patience to effectively listen to each other. 

Share what you want. I get that it’s annoying to feel you lose him to his phone every night, but consider a reframe. It sounds like what you really want is more quality time together as a family, and maybe more emotional connection as a couple. Attacking his attachment to his phone may feel good and seem justified in the moment, but all it’s likely to do is make him defensive. On the other hand, letting him know that you’d like to create device-free quality time for your family and find ways for the both of you to spend time together without distractions is likely to be something he can get on board with as part of the solution—after all, he probably wants that too. 

Plan intentional quality time. If the goal is to have more quality time and connection, consider how much of that has to happen in the after-work hours versus at other times when it works for both of you. Can you find more opportunities for togetherness at times outside of your husband’s after-work hours? Instead of assuming the only solution is that he drops his phone at the door every night, plan for other times during the week—Saturday morning breakfast, for instance—when you can all reliably show up to spend time together with no devices or distractions. If you need some help thinking of small ways to get quality time as a couple and nurture your relationship, check out Small Things Often, a podcast I love with quick, helpful relationship tips.

You’re not the only one here to daydream about putting a partner’s cell phone in the microwave or taking a hammer to a video game console, Lonely. Screen time is a big issue for all of us, but it doesn’t have to dominate our lives and relationships. I’m sending you all my best wishes for good, ping-free quality time. 

With love and understanding,

Grace