I can speak up for everyone—except for myself.

Dear Grace,

Why can’t I stand up for myself? I can stand up for my family, but I can’t stand up for myself.

– Wavering in Warren

Dear Wavering,

Rest assured, you are not alone. You’re asking a question many of us ask ourselves throughout our lives. We can turn into fierce Mama Bears when our loved ones need us but sometimes find we’re uncomfortable doing the same for ourselves. 

As women, lots of us were taught growing up that advocating for ourselves is “pushy” or  “aggressive.” I say it’s time to change that perception. Here are a few ways to start.  

Ask yourself what you’re afraid of. Whether it’s standing up to loved ones, strangers, or all of the above, it’s important to get to the root of your fear. Figure out what’s stopping you by finishing this sentence: “If I speak up for myself, then…” Naming the hypothetical outcome you’re avoiding can help you decide if it’s one of those worst case scenarios we sometimes dream up in our heads or a rational concern to work around. Playing the scenario out in your head can help remind you that, even if the conversation is a little bumpy, it’s going to be okay.  

Take your own advice. You said it yourself, you have no problem stepping up for others, so how about putting yourself in your own shoes. Imagine your best friend came to you for help with the same dilemma you’re grappling with right now. What would you tell her to do? How would you support her? I’d be willing to be that you’d tell her to speak her truth and would be ready to back her up. You deserve the same compassion and fierce advocacy that you give to others. 

Practice makes permanent. We are all creatures of habit and the more you practice something, the easier it will get. That’s as true for playing an instrument or sport as it is for sticking up for yourself. Start with small things that feel low stakes and work your way up to bigger conversations, like asking for a raise or setting a boundary. Try asking someone to pick up a lunch order instead of going to get it yourself, or asserting what movie you want to watch on Friday night instead of just going along with your significant other’s pick. Take notes of the fears you feel before, and how you feel afterward. It may be hard or awkward at first, but stick with it and I promise it gets better. 

My mother used to tell me, “Closed mouths don’t get fed.” We’re never going to get what we need or want in this world if we don’t speak up. Most of us deal with these fears at some point, Wavering, but remembering that the only way forward is straight through is always the kick in the butt I need to find my voice. I’m rooting for you!

With love and encouragement, 

Grace