Ask The Readers: My parents are getting a divorce. How do I support them through this?

Dear Readers,

My mother and father are wanting to get divorced in retirement age…what is the best way to support them both?

– At A Loss in Asheville

Dear At A Loss,

I can tell from your letter to our readers that you really care about your parents. In your note, you are putting your own feelings about their marriage aside in order to show up for them as a supportive and loving daughter. Hats off to you for showing up for your parents during a hard time.

Divorce is scary no matter what age you are. Your parents are brave for choosing happiness and diving into the unknown. Based on your question it sounds like you want them both to be happy, and sometimes (sadly) divorce is the only way that can happen. Whatever they choose, supporting them starts with honoring and respecting their decision.

As you and your parents navigate the next chapter for your family, readers have some advice for how you can be helpful to both of them AND stay grounded for yourself. Here are some of my favorite suggestions:

Set some boundaries.

Unfortunately, divorces can get nasty. I hope that your parents’ separation is amiable, but regardless of their feelings for each other, divorce can be a lengthy, expensive, and frustrating process. Your parents may want to vent or complain about their ex-spouse. It’s up to you to set some boundaries so you don’t get caught in the middle. Here are some suggestions from readers on boundary-setting:

• “Right away, establish boundaries in how they talk to you about it, such as no derogatory remarks about the other parent, no using you as a go-between, and no sharing personal/financial information.”
• “Do not get involved in the particulars surrounding their divorce. Be there for both of them and set boundaries to indicate to both parents what they can say to you. Let them know that you will not be taking sides. Always listen but be careful how you respond! Stay neutral but validate their feelings.”
• “Maintain neutrality and love them equally. Make every effort not to buy into their negativity regarding each other. If they start venting about the other person, remind them that they have BOTH been great parents to you and you don’t want to hear any name-calling.” 

Do more listening than talking.

Sometimes we need a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear to hear our side of the story. By spending quality time listening to each of them, you’ll be able to understand where each is coming from and offer support without taking sides. Here are some other suggestions from readers on how to support your parents by listening:

• “My 4 children supported me through my divorce, so I will tell you what they did that helped me: They kept an open mind, never ‘taking sides.’ They rarely voiced their opinions unless asked a question about their feelings on the situation. They showed that they loved us both and that they only wanted what was best for both of us. And that our divorce would never change that.”
• “Share time with them individually around lunch or dinner and continue to be a great listener! Give lots of hugs when you see them and encourage them that it is not the end of the world. Listening is more important than talking right now because they both will have a lot to process.”
• “Try not to get involved in what happened, who may be in the right who may be in the wrong. Both of them are still your parents. If you enjoy having dinners with your father, continue having dinners with your father. If you like going shopping with your mother, continue to do that. Get that quality time with them to make sure you have full relationships with each of them separately. That way when they are ready to talk to you about it, you are there to listen.”

Give yourself time to heal.

I can tell you are an extremely supportive kid, so I don’t want you to forget that the end of your parent’s marriage is a big deal for you as well. No matter what kind of couple they were or your age, this big change in your family impacts you. Make sure to take the time and space to grieve and heal. Readers say:

• “If you get sick of hearing about the divorce from your mom or dad, it’s okay to step away or change the subject. Don’t feel guilty for sometimes needing space.”
• “Adjust your expectations of family vacations and holidays. They might not be ready to talk about that yet, but when they are it will probably be different than it was in the past. It’s okay to be sad about that.”
• “Try counseling. Going yourself will help you figure out how to navigate your family’s new normal and may inspire your parents to go too.”

I hope your parents are thinking about how they can support you through this as well. It sounds like they might not be leaning on each other anymore in the future, but both of them leaning completely on you is too much. Your parents will be asking themselves a lot of new questions they wouldn’t have had to ask while married, like “How do I date as an older person?” or  “How do I make friends from scratch?” or “When I get older will I live with family or in a home?” Fortunately, they have an amazing kid ready to help them navigate all of these new challenges and opportunities. And you’ll have us, Grace and the readers, to help you along the way too!

Love,

Grace and the readers