Am I selfish for wanting to put myself first for once?

Dear Grace,

After putting everyone else first, how do I finally put myself first? I’m not sure I am able to–I’m 56 and I’ve been that way my whole life. And now with the grandkids living nearby, I am the go-to babysitter. I had them last weekend and I get them all weekend this weekend. I love my grandkids so much but taking care of them wears me out and I worry that if I try to pull back my daughter will withhold them from me. What do I do?

– On Call in Oakdale

Dear On Call,

It sounds like you’re in need of a break, On Call, and based on your story, I totally get it. So many of us find ourselves constantly in service to others, and no matter how much we love our families, it doesn’t negate our own need for space and TLC. Between parenting and now grandparenting, it sounds like you’ve been in high demand for many years, and breaking the cycle of being everyone’s on-call support can be challenging. 

You’re not alone, though. With the shortage of workers and high cost of childcare, grandparents across the country are finding themselves at little league practice, doing after school care, and pinch-hitting for parents when something comes up. Don’t get me wrong, being an active grandparent is a gift, but it’s important to feel like you’re getting to do it on your terms. I get so many questions from loving grandmothers like you, trying to balance supporting their kids and grandkids with their own wellbeing. At the end of the day, all families should be able to access affordable childcare without overwhelming their loved ones.

While I can’t wave a magic wand to make childcare free for all (though I’d like to), I do have some advice to help you move forward:

Connect with what makes YOU happy. You said it—your time has not been your own for a while now. One way you can start to put yourself first is to dedicate time to hobbies, interests, and just plain fun. Take a class to learn something new, join a book club or craft group in your area, or plan nature walks each week—whatever feeds your spirit. 

Talk to your daughter. You mentioned that you’ve been your family’s go-to caregiver for years, so it’s possible that your daughter has never stopped to think about whether you want that role. I wonder whether your fears about her potential reaction are grounded in your experience with her or your own worries about change and challenging expectations. Ask yourself one question to find out: Has your daughter given you a reason to think she will react badly to setting boundaries? If your answer is no, your concerns may be a result of your own fear of not being the kind of caregiver you think you should be. There is no single ‘right’ way to show up for your family, and it’s okay to let your role change with you over time. That might look like scheduling your weeks so that you have enough time to yourself to really enjoy the time you spend with the grands. You decide what works for you. 

Find time to talk with your daughter and share how you’re feeling. If you feel nervous having that conversation, write things down beforehand so you remember what you want to share. 

Take it one step at a time. Putting yourself first isn’t a box you check off, it’s a choice that you make over and over again until it becomes second nature and a part of your lifestyle. I won’t lie, On Call, after years of tending to everyone else before yourself, it will take practice. As moms, and as women, often our efforts to take care of ourselves are labeled as selfish, when it’s actually just a part of a healthy life. Start small and give yourself grace as you make this change, starting with setting some boundaries for babysitting your grandkids—two weekends a month instead of four, for example. 

Life is all about change and how we respond to it. It’s never too late to be the main character in your story, instead of a supporting character in everyone else’s. I’m sending you courage and plenty of love as you start this new chapter. 

You’ve got this, 

Grace