As a people pleaser, how do I set boundaries?
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Dear Grace,
How do you set boundaries as a people pleaser? I feel underappreciated and a little used, but I don’t want to start arguments with my loved ones, but at the same time, my needs aren’t being met or considered.
– Not Having It Anymore, North Carolina
Dear Not Having It Anymore,
Let me start with this: advocating for what you need does not need to start an argument. Telling someone your wants can be scary, but it can also be the thing that brings you closer than ever.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, I know that tug to say or do whatever it takes to keep a smile on someone’s face. Wanting to make others happy isn’t a bad thing, but it becomes unhealthy when it comes at the expense of your well-being or being your most authentic self. You are living proof of the saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup.” When we give too much without taking care of ourselves, we burn out!
Like most patterns, it takes practice and time to make a change. For some of us, it’s a lifelong journey! Here is how to take those first few steps:
Reflect on your green light, yellow light, and red light.
When it comes to changing or improving your relationships, it all starts with knowing what you need. Spend some time journaling or go for a walk and think about how you show up for the people in your life and how you’d like them to show up for you. Reflect on what you enjoy doing for others (green light), what you’re uncomfortable with or just unwilling to do for others (red light), and what you’d do for others if you have the time (your yellow light). For example, your green light might be babysitting your niece, your red light might be being the person everyone vents to, and your yellow light might be cleaning your grandmother’s home for her. You can’t set boundaries unless you know what your boundaries are. These lists can serve as a road map!
Help the people who love you, love you right.
We all “friend” in different ways. Some friends like to spend hours on the phone together every week, while other friends only need a catch-up every once in a while to feel close. We all have different styles, and that’s okay! The people who love you may not know that your needs aren’t being met, because they have different needs. Spend some time thinking about what your needs are from friends and family. You and your loved ones could all take the love languages quiz together and talk about it…Which of you feel the most loved and appreciated when you get consistent quality time? What about when a loved one tells you what you mean to them? Not only will you be able to share how you like to be treated, but you’ll get to learn about your friends’ and family’s love languages as well!
Practice saying it out loud.
We all fall into patterns with our friends and family, so if you want to change the dynamic, that has to come from you. Now that you know your love language and your red, yellow, and greens, take initiative by making plans that fill your cup instead of emptying it.
Saying what you need also takes practice (check out my advice on standing up for yourself here). Start small, like respectfully sending your coffee order back if they made it incorrectly. Then, you can work up to telling a friend or family member that you need them to show up for you more or differently. As much as you can, try writing down and practicing what you’re going to say before you say it. The more you practice, the easier it will get!
Knowing when to say yes is like building a muscle—it gets stronger the more you use it. If someone asks you to do something that isn’t already on your red/yellow/green list, you might feel tongue-tied or nervous. That’s normal! It will get easier. Try writing down different ways to say yes and no and practice saying them in the mirror. If you aren’t sure where to start, you can borrow some from the advice readers gave this woman, who needs to start saying no to her family!
You are not alone, Not Having It Anymore. In fact, there is a whole section of the Dear Grace website dedicated to columns about boundaries & conflict. I get dozens of questions every week about how to say no and how to speak up and ask for what you need. As my mom always said, “closed mouths don’t get fed.” The best way to start making progress towards any goal is just…to start! I know you can do it, and we’ll be here cheering you on the whole way!
Love,
Grace
