Ask The Readers: How do I say “no” to helping when my plate is too full?

Dear Readers,

I always help my family in any way that I possibly can (money, rides, errands, etc.). But lately, I’ve had more on my plate and think I need to start saying “no.” How do I start saying “no” to them without making them feel bad or feeling guilty myself? Please help if you’re able!

– Always There for Them, Alabama

Dear Always There,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

First of all—you are not alone. Over 2,000 readers wrote in sharing advice and many of them said that they struggle with saying no too! Fortunately, our community has some tips for how to set some boundaries with your family when your plate is too full. 

Here are a few of my favorites:

“It is very wise of you to realize the toll this additional help is causing you in your own personal life. Do not feel guilty for having these feelings. If you do not want to elaborate on your personal situation, you can suggest times that work best for your busy schedule. Self-care is very important to stay mentally and emotionally well. You can not pour from an empty cup.

“The best way to address this is be very up front with your family. Tell them you are handling a lot yourself and you will be surprised with the care they will show you. If there is no reaction then this will be a good time to start putting yourself first for a change and set some boundaries.”

“My heart goes out to you because I can relate. Make sure to communicate directly to them, being gentle and assertive at the same time. Tell them straight up that you don’t have the capacity at the moment to help. This is a start for reclaiming your time!”

“It’s crucial to take a moment to set boundaries for yourself. You can’t keep giving when you’re feeling drained and empty. Recognizing your limits is essential. You should never feel guilty for prioritizing your own needs. Just like on an airplane, where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others, the same idea applies here. Taking care of yourself is vital. If people genuinely care about you, they will understand your choice, even if it means you can’t be there for them this time.”

“This is a hard one! Setting boundaries is so much easier said than done. People like us get used because we are so worried about what others will think and we feel guilty. I go to counseling to find out why I feel so guilty and so afraid to hurt others. It has helped me a lot. It’s OK not to do things for other people sometimes.”

”I have been in your shoes before! This is what helped me:

• Be honest, but kind. You could say ‘I understand you need help, but I can’t take this on right now. I have a lot on my plate, and I need to focus on those responsibilities.’
• Use I statements to make it about you. You could say ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything I’m managing, so I’m not able to help this time. I hope you understand.’
• Stick to your decision! If they push back, stay calm and consistent. You could say ‘I wish I could, but my answer is no. It’s not about you; I just need to prioritize other things. I love you I just can’t help in that way right now.’”

These readers (and so many others who wrote in!) offer a great reminder—a burnt-out bulb sheds no light. So many of us love to take care of and nurture our family members and friends. That is a beautiful part of who we are, but it can’t come at the cost of taking care of ourselves. We are rooting for you, Always There, and we hope your to-do list gets shorter!

Sending You Strength, 

Grace and The Readers