Ask The Readers: How do I get my kids to do their chores?

Dear Readers,

How do I get my kids to help out more around the house?

– Overwhelmed in Delaware

Dear Overwhelmed,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. 

Did you miss giving your advice for this question? Scroll to the bottom to give your answer to the next one.

I shared your question with hundreds of thousands of women all across the country. Responses poured in with all kinds of mom-life tips and tricks, from serving only oatmeal until kids can do their own laundry, to blasting music and having a dance party when kids finally clean their rooms. 

All over the country, women wrote in to say: you’re not alone. Moms often bear the brunt of the housework burden…which includes figuring out how to get those dang kids to help out. If you have a co-parent, husband, grandparent, or other adult in the house, ask for their help. You are not alone in struggling to get your kids to do chores, and you shouldn’t be alone in finding a solution.

Check out some of the suggestions from moms across the United States who have come up with creative, smart, organized ways to run their households:

Come up with a plan together.

Have a family meeting to talk about how the household runs and why their help matters. Use it as a teaching opportunity. If there is another adult in the house (husband, partner, co-parent, grandparent), tackle this as a team. It should not be all on you. 

• “Work together as a family (including your husband if you have one). Chores shouldn’t feel like punishment for kids or moms, they should feel like teamwork. When the whole family works together, it builds respect, gratitude, and a sense of belonging. You can even come up with the system and schedule together so everyone feels a part of it.”
• “Make chores part of the routine. Habits stick when they are regular. Maybe make a schedule. Each kid can have a chore chart with after-school tasks, before-bed clean-up, and weekend family chores. When chores are expected (not optional), kids adjust more quickly.“
• “Since I raised my 3 boys by myself, I can tell you what worked for me! We would have a family meeting when necessary, and I would tell them: ‘I am your mother, I work and cannot do it all by myself. You all need to help out so we can have good times together. The only way we can do this is by teamwork, we are a team!’ I gave them each a responsibility, and that’s how it worked! It helped them grow up to be good fathers who don’t put it all on their wives because they know how to share responsibilities!”
• “Teach them why it matters. Explain that helping with the house is part of being a family. When everyone chips in, it gets done faster, so there is more time to have fun. Doing chores makes the home nicer for everyone, shows respect for others, and teaches valuable skills they will need later in life, like how to fold laundry or clean a bathroom. When kids understand the value, they’re more likely to participate.”

When they’re young, make it fun!

The readers and I aren’t sure how old your kids are, but we all agree that including them in household chores early helps teach responsibility and fine motor skills. Also, it can be a joyful way to connect!

• “Start by teaching your kids how to do things so y’all can learn together by making tasks fun by using games and music. This creates positive reinforcement and, at the same time, teaches them skills by doing tasks along with them at first. Tell stories of how your mother taught you! Be silly with them, crack jokes, and bond together.” 
• “Make cleaning part of a scavenger hunt or a list to complete. Make each kid try to win by completing the chores and judging them like the Olympics. Making it into a game can work, but all need to be involved.”
• “I made it a competitive game. I would give each child a can to decorate that has a plastic lid. I would put a slit in each can, and they each would get their own chip color. Whenever they complete their chores, they put the chip in the can. Whoever has the most chips wins a prize at the end of the month. It has to be consistent, or no prize. A prize could be money, a toy, a gift card. This worked wonders for me.”
• “I made a chore chart and a behavior chart, and they had two chores each: one being cleaning their rooms and the other a designated chore like trash, emptying the dishwasher ect. Every week, their chores changed, so it was kept fair. Then I would do something with them on Fridays, like go to get ice cream or a toy. Today, there are apps you can install on your phone that help, like Neat Kids. Include them in the decision of the app, chores, and reward or allowance. I hope this will help you!”
• “Make it a game! Music is a game-changer. Set a timer for 10 minutes, put on a high-energy ‘Power Clean’ playlist, and see how much the whole family can get done before the song ends. It turns a ‘have-to’ into a ‘let’s see if we can’ which can be so fun.”
• “I like this thing called ‘The When/Then Rule’ for toddlers. A magic tool to deal with power struggles. When your toys are in the bin, then we can turn on the show. It’s not a bribe, it’s just a natural consequence. It puts the power in their hands to decide how fast they want to get to the ‘fun’ stuff.”

Create clear rewards and consequences.

Parents from across the country wrote in with their ideas about what kids/teens can earn for doing chores and what privileges they lose when they don’t. Talk to other adults in your house and decide what you feel comfortable with. If your kids are a little older, include them in the process. Ask them what they think would be fair.

• “Give praise (not just money). Kids respond to recognition. Try saying: ‘Thank you, that helps so much!’ or ‘Wow, you did that really well!’ Positive feedback motivates more than nagging.”
• “Make a reward system. Like this chore equals this many points, and if you get this many points, you get a reward. The reward could be a favorite meal, a new video game, screen time, or having a friend over. My kids will do anything for more screen time.”

• “As they got older, my kids weren’t allowed to leave the house until their chores were complete. I learned pretty quickly that nagging them or raising my voice was pointless. Actions speak so much louder than words!”
• “Can you afford to give an allowance? Show them what you expect of them and a deadline, and offer an allowance if they do it right and on time, with no reminders. If they don’t do it, no allowance.“
•  “Have them earn WiFi time! In order to use the WiFi, you have to do your chores. I would put a new password on it, and after the chores are completed, share the password. See how this works!”

Moms are magical, and you are no exception, Overwhelmed. Teaching your kids how to take care of their home, their bodies, and each other are valuable lessons they will carry with them forever. No wonder it isn’t easy! You are helping them build skills that will last them a lifetime. The work you’re putting in now is setting them up to grow into adults who know how to cook for themselves, clean their homes, do laundry, and be a good member of a team. It may take some creativity, extra time, and steadfastness in sticking to your rules, but it will be worth it. We’re cheering you on!

Love,

Grace and the Readers