Ask The Readers: How do I move on from my ex?

Dear Readers,

I’m newly separated from my husband. He has a new girlfriend and although I don’t want to be with him, I don’t want to see him move on with his life with someone else. I’ve started dating myself, but can’t manage to really connect with anyone. My question is what can I do to move past this?

– Petty in Pennsylvania

Dear Petty,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Hundreds of readers wrote in with advice for you. Many of us know that icky feeling of seeing an ex move on too soon—we promise, you’re not the only one to feel a little “petty.” Here are some of our top pieces of advice:

“I thought the same thing when my ex-husband wanted a divorce. The only person we have control over is ourselves. If you don’t want to see him move on with someone else, my best advice is don’t look. It hurt me to know my ex was already with someone 2 weeks after we divorced, so I stopped looking at his Facebook and stopped trying to talk to him. Set a boundary so you don’t have to see it.”

“If you feel like you need a man in your life right now, great, but don’t rush back into the dating pool just because he is. Most rebound relationships don’t work out anyway because people haven’t given themselves time to heal, learn, or grow. They are just using someone else to make them feel better until they get over the ex.”

“Take your attention off of your husband and his new girlfriend and focus on yourself. We never go wrong when we de-center men and focus on ourselves. It’s up to you to build a whole new life that you love to live instead of staying attached to a life that you agreed to separate from. Find or re-establish hobbies, set health and fitness goals, work on your finances, or business ideas, travel.”

“Focus on freeing yourself from that old relationship. Try counseling and consider doing other self-care like hiking, yoga, exercising, or trying something new. This is a great time to reinvent yourself! Staying busy doing things you enjoy!”

“Take time to remind yourself of the differences and struggles your marriage had. If there is an annoying thing you didn’t like that he did, remind yourself of it when you think of him moving on and how it’s great someone else has to deal with it. Soul search and find things that you gave up or changed and try to bring that back to yourself.”

Seeing someone you have built a life with begin to build a life with someone else can be painful and uncomfortable, even if you know you don’t want your marriage back. It may not feel good that your husband moved on first, but it’s not a race. You were strong enough to separate from your husband, so you are definitely strong enough to navigate this new chapter. We’ll be cheering you on!

The Readers