My boyfriend is a pushover. How do I get him to stand up for himself?

Dear Grace,

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for four years and love each other. Or so he says… Here’s the problem: he has let his friends move in with him and they’ve ended up living off him. He pays for way more than his fair share and has ended up borrowing money from me just to get by. We keep fighting because I get mad at him for letting them take advantage of him and not being responsible for himself. I’m so tired of taking care of people who refuse to take care of themselves. How do I get him to stand up for himself?

– Pissed At A Pushover in Pittsburg

Dear PO’d at a Pushover,

It’s so hard watching someone we love being taken advantage of, isn’t it? Our heart breaks for them, even as we get aggravated that they don’t listen to our advice and just keep perpetuating the abusive cycle. Those are a lot of strong emotions for you to be experiencing and I can hear your frustration with the whole situation. 

While your feelings are understandable—like your boyfriends’ friends—they aren’t helping. You’re both going to have to put your feelings aside in order to find a way forward as a couple.

Set boundaries. At the end of the day, he is in charge of his money (and whether he sets it on fire) and you are in charge of yours. Clearly define what you are comfortable with and what your boundaries are regarding lending to him and providing secondhand financial support to his friends. Share your boundaries with him and set expectations moving forward. Make sure to keep your communication open and stay focused on your end goal: supporting each other’s financial wellbeing. 

Help him create a budget. What may seem basic to you, a personal finance whiz, may be totally new to your boyfriend. Sit down together and help him list everything coming in and everything going out. Next, talk about what his goals are: Does he want to save money for a house, retirement, a vacation? Does he have an emergency fund set aside just in case? Discuss how much he can realistically afford to contribute to support his friends, without digging himself a hole and battling overdraft fees. Having an accurate understanding of his financial situation may empower him to make more responsible choices. It can establish priorities which will help him to make the best decisions for himself, instead of letting others treat him like an ATM. 

Be supportive, rather than critical. Instead of making the situation into a personal failing on his part, try to focus on why this is upsetting to you. Is it that you love that he’s a good guy, and hate when it gets taken advantage of? Do you want a long term commitment, but this has you worried about sharing finances, or that you’ll be the one paying for everything?  An honest and loving conversation will not only help you both get to the root of this problem, but also strengthen the relationship for the future.

Remember: the thing most couples fight about is money. By establishing good financial communication now, you’re laying the groundwork for a successful and healthy relationship for years to come. 

<3 Grace