Ask The Readers: How do I speak up for myself in my relationship?

Dear Readers,

How can I practice being more assertive and voice my truth in my 10-year relationship?

– Hoping for More in Clairmont

Dear Hoping for More,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Oof. What woman hasn’t had that feeling of wanting to speak up and say something, but her truth gets caught in her throat? We just spoke with women about this in our focus group on being fierce. 

I sent your question to thousands of women across the country, and so many of them have been in your shoes, especially with boyfriends and husbands. When we are peace-keepers, caretakers, or people-pleasers, speaking up can feel like a risk. But it’s a risk that pays off with stronger relationships and more honest conversations. Here are some of my favorite suggestions from readers like you:

Reflect on what you’ve been holding back and why.

• “The first and most important thing you need to do is question what you’re desiring to speak up about.” 
• “Know your truth before you speak it. Start by journaling or reflecting on what you really want to express. Is it a boundary? A need? A hurt? A hope? The clearer you are with yourself, the clearer you’ll be with him. Try this prompt: If I weren’t afraid of his reaction, I would say:____”

Practice makes perfect.

Change doesn’t happen overnight. It will take time to build your “assertiveness” muscle, and that’s okay!

• “Do what I did as a kid! I’d stand in front of my bedroom mirror and stand straight up and talk to the mirror. Say it to the mirror before you say it to him. Believe me, it works, it should give you a big confidence booster!”
• “Practice in low-stakes moments. Start small. Speak up about what movie you want to watch, how you want to spend your weekend, or what kind of support you need after a long day. These micro-moments build confidence for the bigger ones.”
• “Write it out in a letter.  If words don’t come any easier on paper, then prepare an outline of what you want to say. Men are not mind readers. You are doin’ both of you a favor by speaking up and making it easy for him so he doesn’t have to guess.  Smart fellas know if mama ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. So go make mama happy…”
• “Practice setting boundaries. You’re allowed to say: ‘I’m not okay with that, I need time to think, I don’t want to talk to you if you’re going to use that tone, I can’t talk about this now, but let’s discuss it later.’ Boundaries aren’t walls, they are doors with locks. You choose who gets in and how.”

Ask your husband for distraction-free time to talk about your relationship.

• “Let your partner know you would like to set up a weekly or monthly chat session to have a couples discussion on how you are feeling about certain situations. Allow them to have time to speak as well, and set time for each party to follow up at the next session to think about what each of you had said and to find resolutions, if needed, that you both agree on. Agree to be respectful to each other and to have an open mind. Also, all of the chats don’t need to be about hurt or angry feelings. Make sure there are times when the talk is about compliments and things that show love and care toward each other.” 
• “You can go to counseling or try to seek couples therapy. It might feel easier to speak up in that setting.”
• “Tell him to sit down and listen without the TV or phone or any other distractions near. I find it easiest to speak up when it’s just me and my husband in the car, and I just let it all out so he can’t escape!!”

Remember that you’re on the same team.

The goal of speaking your truth could be to feel heard, find a solution, or become closer. The goal is not to win.

• “Use ‘I statements’ to stay grounded. Like ‘I feel’ and ‘I want.’ Assertiveness isn’t about blame, it’s about ownership. Instead of ‘You never listen,’ try ‘I feel unheard when I share something important and it’s brushed off.’ This shifts the tone from accusation to invitation.”
• “Be extra mindful of wording and always start with a positive before you lay out what’s bothering you. This way, it doesn’t feel like an attack on them. Let them know you’re a team and want what’s best for both of you. Also state your desired resolution and steps you yourself are willing to take.”

Be brave, because your happiness is worth it.

Speaking up for yourself can be scary, but you can do it scared.

• “You have to realize that your happiness is very important. You only live one life. You need to speak your mind and let people know how you feel to be able to be truly happy with yourself.”
• “Prepare for discomfort, but don’t fear it. It might feel awkward at first, especially if you’ve been the peacekeeper or fixer. That’s normal. Growth often feels like tension before it feels like freedom. Repeat to yourself: My truth might shake things, but it won’t break me.”
• “Time to look at yourself in the mirror and decide you were not put on this earth to be anybody’s doormat. People-pleasing is self-destructive and demeaning to your heart and soul. Be brave!”
• “Are you sure you’re in the right relationship if you can’t voice your truth or be assertive? Just because you’ve got the time in the relationship together doesn’t mean it’s THE relationship. If you find that he won’t let you speak up, or you’re making excuses for your partner, or doing more than your partner, it might not be the right relationship.”
• “Remember: your voice is a gift, not a threat. You’ve spent 10 years in this relationship. That history matters. But so does your evolution. You’re not the same woman you were when it started, and that’s a good thing!”

As women, many of us were taught to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Over time, this can make it harder for us to speak up about what is in our hearts. Your partner loves you and wants to know the real you. By sharing your truth and being more assertive, you can share your truth and make the relationship stronger. Remember, start with baby steps and keep practicing. You got this!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers