Ask The Readers: Is it possible to have a good relationship without sex?

Dear Readers,

Is sexual satisfaction necessary for both partners in a monogamous, long-term, committed relationship? I love my husband, but that part of our relationship is long gone. Is it still possible to have a good marriage?

– Sexless in Suburbia

Dear Sexless in Suburbia,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Thank you so much for sharing your question, it really struck a chord with our community of readers! Thousands of women wrote in with their advice and, to boil it down, yes, it’s totally possible to have a happy marriage with less (or no) sex. 

What matters, Sexless, isn’t the type or frequency of your intimacy, it’s whether you and your husband feel satisfied. Relationships change as we do, so re-evaluating this dynamic isn’t just “ok,” it’s an important part of any healthy, long-term relationship. Here is some advice from your fellow readers:

Accept that your (and his) body and libido will change over time. It’s normal to desire sexual activity more, less, or differently at different moments in your life.

• “A good marriage is possible, but it depends on your priorities. Everyone is different. As we age, our bodies change. If one partner needs sexual satisfaction more than the other, there are ways through that. It takes a lot of communication and an open mind. It would be good to discuss possibilities, such as: sex toys, solo play, the frequency of sex together, etc.”
• “Consider his body’s changes, too. It’s possible that he is having issues with ED but is hesitant to discuss it or even to admit it. Perhaps try to get to the subject in a loving, non-threatening way. Try to initiate and see how he responds. There are so many reasons that could cause him to abstain. Make sure he is physically confident in his ability. There are also emotional reasons. Good luck! Try to be supportive.”
• “A good marriage is wonderful, but you didn’t say if this is your choice or his? I am 78 years old and my husband is 63 and we have an exciting sexual relationship. Age and sexuality change a lot of things and I think that you and your husband should try couples therapy together and find a whole new way to express your sexuality. Intimacy can be just as satisfying as intercourse.”

Talk to your husband about it. You two are the only people who can decide what a “good marriage” looks like for you.

• “I honor the courage it takes to ask this question. I know at least one couple who has a satisfying marriage without sex, but several for whom this is a painful subject. Perhaps the bigger question is this: is it required for you to be satisfied in your marriage? It goes beyond the physical aspect. Are you able to feel whole, loved and secure? Are the reasons for the disappearance of sex out in the open? If so, don’t let the occasional awkward conversation worry you! But if there are bigger issues, know you deserve a partner who will face them with you.”
• “If it is a mutual choice then I think that’s fine as long as there is still some intimacy between the two of you. It is also something that should be discussed with your partner. See if there’s anything they need in place of the lack of sex.”
• “That is such a difficult question to answer. I can only speak from my own experience which is that everybody has different sexual wants and needs. The only way to be sure about anything in your marriage is open and honest communication with each other.”

Remember, intimacy is about more than sex.

• “Sex can definitely be a wonderful and connecting part of a relationship, and I won’t deny it has its place. But I don’t believe sex alone builds a relationship or keeps it strong. It’s the day-to-day moments that mean the most to us. So yes, it’s absolutely possible to have a good, loving, and strong relationship even if sex isn’t the central focus. For us, love isn’t defined solely by what happens in the bedroom. It’s defined by how we show up for each other every single day.”
• “It is very important to have an active, loving relationship. I was married for 30 years and widowed at the age of 53. At first, sex was crazy important and happened all the time. As time goes on, sex becomes less important, BUT intimacy is very important. Loving gestures, cuddling, holding hands, and kind loving words became more important. Small gestures like breakfast in bed, watching movies, and laughing together can make up for the actual act. Kissing and hugging. Foot rubs all work well. Use your imagination to show your partner how special they still are.”
• “Sexual satisfaction is not necessarily essential to a good marriage. That depends on the individual and what their love language is. For some, this could be a deal breaker. For others, it might not be as much of a priority. What IS essential to a good relationship is intimacy. Sharing deep emotions, being vulnerable, and physical touch are all ways to experience intimacy. And once intimacy becomes the focus, you’d be surprised what might make an appearance again in your marriage.”

Long-term relationships—married or not—are built on your ability to change and evolve alongside your partner. If you stop and think, I’m sure you can see several ways that your relationship is different now than it was when you first got together, so why wouldn’t your intimacy evolve, too? A quieter sex life isn’t a bad sign, Sexless, but it is a nudge to talk about what feels right to you both in this new chapter. Check out more advice for talking to your husband about his low libido or reinvigorating your own appetite for intimacy. 

Love, 

Grace and the Readers