Ask The Readers: My boyfriend doesn’t like that I make more money than him. Should I quit my job?

Dear Grace,

I make more money than my boyfriend, and it’s causing problems. I’m tired of fighting and am considering quitting my job to save our relationship. What should I do?

– Breadwinner in Buford

Dear Breadwinner,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

Thousands of women wrote in urging you not to quit your job, Breadwinner—and I agree. Choosing to let go of your income when the cost of groceries and basic needs are going up and job opportunities are going down could not only put you in a stressful position…but potentially a dangerous one. Plus, plenty of women who did make that choice in the past wrote in saying they regret it. You deserve a partner who celebrates your wins with you—not someone who turns them into a fight. Your boyfriend has some growing to do in order to become the supportive partner you deserve. If he can’t work through his insecurities so he can be your biggest cheerleader, readers across the country are urging you to find someone who can.

From women who have been where you are: Don’t quit your job.

• “I’ve been where you’re at. Now, at 55 years old, if I had to do it again, I would have let him walk out the door instead of giving up everything that I worked for just so that he can be comfortable in his masculinity. If he is saying that you earning more money than him is a problem for him, then that’s not really the problem…The problem is his ego. And it’s not likely to be a problem that is going to go away or get better. If you quit your job, then you are stuck and completely dependent upon him for everything. And speaking from experience, no matter how great your guy is….you do NOT want yourself in that position. ” 
• “No, you should not quit your job. Especially not in this economy. You still have to support yourself. It’s not fair to sacrifice your stability and success just to make someone else feel more comfortable. If he truly loves you, he’ll work through his insecurities and not expect you to shrink yourself. Relationships should be built on mutual support, not control. Keep your bag, keep your peace, and don’t let love make you lose yourself.”
• “No ma’am! Absolutely not! Do not quit your high paying job because your boyfriend has a problem with it. In my younger years I left a good job for a man and it absolutely got me nowhere. Save yourself the struggle.”

Have a conversation with your boyfriend about his insecurities.

• “In a healthy relationship, both people celebrate each other’s growth, instead of making it a competition. Instead of dimming your light, try having an honest conversation with him about how the situation is making you feel. Let him know you’re not trying to one-up him, you’re just building your future. Reassure him if needed, but don’t shrink yourself to protect his ego. Encourage him to grow too. Your success can be motivation, not a threat. If the tension continues, consider couples counseling to get to the root of the issue. At the end of the day, ask yourself this: would he give up his goals to protect your feelings? If not, why should you?”
• “I understand you love him and want peace in your relationship, but quitting isn’t the solution. Your success shouldn’t be something you have to apologize for. If your success is causing tension, that’s something he needs to work through, not something you should sacrifice for.”
• “If your boyfriend is sincerely upset because you make more money than him, then you do have to re-evaluate your relationship. Is it the money, or something else? Is he missing your time and attention? Try to have an in-depth conversation with him about both of your professional goals and why he cannot support you as your salary increases. His thinking is definitely outdated…especially in today’s economy. He needs to go to therapy and level up. You should never lower yourself down to make someone that wants to stay still feel more secure.”

If he can’t be happy for your success, consider finding someone who can be.

• “If all mature conversations have been had and the problem is still heavily apparent, it’s time to leave the MAN. Not the job. If his issue is that he needs to make more money than you to feel like “the man in the relationship” (which is a ridiculous and archaic concept anyway), then the burden is on him to find a way to make more money, not for you to make less. You keep doing you.” 
• “Your boyfriend needs to put his “big boy britches” on and get over himself, and learn to respect and value you as well as your accomplishments. If after you talk to him about it he still doesn’t respect your success, time to quit HIM. I can say from experience that there are men out there that are capable of being secure with themselves, the partnership, their achievements AND be able to be proud of their wife and her achievements. Go get one of those!”
• “With all due respect, if your man can’t accept that you make more than him, then that’s a fine show of his character. Just because he’s being insecure about his financial status doesn’t mean you need to be. A man who has a problem with his girl making more than him isn’t a man worth your time.”
• “Lady, please don’t throw away your career or job for an insecure man. Sometimes you just gotta say, “the love of my life wouldn’t do that,” and move on! Be proud of yourself, your job, career and how much you’re worth in this current job market. If he can’t value all of you, including how much you’re capable of earning, then he doesn’t deserve you.”
• “A strong, healthy relationship should celebrate each other’s wins. If love turns competitive or controlling when one partner does better, that’s a red flag. You shouldn’t have to shrink to be loved. If love feels conditional on you making yourself smaller, quieter, or less ambitious…then this relationship isn’t the kind of partnership you deserve. Don’t dim your light to comfort someone else’s shadow. The right partner will stand beside you, not behind you, and certainly not try to pull you down so they feel taller.”

The bottom line is, you deserve someone who celebrates your accomplishments and cheers you on—not someone who makes you dim your light. Women from all over the country wrote in, urging you to choose yourself and choose happiness. If your boyfriend can’t work through his insecurity and get to a place where he is supportive of your achievements, then he is not the man for you.

Love, 

Grace and the Readers