BONUS! How do I tell my family to stop judging my fiancé just because he’s an immigrant?

Dear Grace,

I have been with my soul mate for 4 years now. He is very traditional, so we took it slow…real dates, flowers, the whole thing. We met working in a restaurant, and he has said for years he wanted to marry me, but he wanted to save up for a real engagement ring. I was so impatient, but it was totally worth the wait! He finally asked me this year with the most beautiful ring.

The problem is that my family and a few friends keep saying he just wants to marry me for the green card (he came to the U.S. when he was 19 to work and send money home). It ticks me off when people say that because it’s not true. He works so hard, and I’m so glad that getting married will make his immigration status more stable, but I know that’s not why he wants to build a life with me. 

On top of the stress of planning a wedding and making sure he’s safe from ICE till we get his papers together, now I have to deal with people talking crap? How do I shut them up when they say that stuff?

– Fed Up in Fredericksburg

Hello again, Fed Up,

Thank you for your question about how to handle friends and family who were judging your fiancé and your relationship. My advice was to practice what to say to the naysayers, lean into support from the people who love you, and finally, talk to an immigration attorney to keep yourself and your fiancé safe. 

When I shared your question last month, women from across the country really connected with your story and sent in their own advice to share. Whether they are single or married, in a relationship with someone whose background is totally different or exactly the same, they all agree that a healthy, long-lasting love like yours should be celebrated.

Don’t let the mean comments get in the way of your joy.

• “You certainly have the deck stacked against you, but the true love that you share and the hard work you’ve put in will carry you forward, and you will come out on the other side stronger for it. Prayers for your future together.”
• “First off, it’s your relationship, period! Don’t let them steal your joy! I’m proud of you for all you are going through. They just don’t realize you are fighting for this love. That should count for something! Hang in there, girl. We are betting on you and your man!”
• “As someone who married a foreigner and has dealt with the same internal family prejudices, it is important to express yourself in the clearest terms possible that this is YOUR relationship, and not anyone else’s.  People will project their fears upon you day and night – but what’s most important is the love you two share. After nearly 20 years and facing this issue together, we are stronger than ever! You got this!”

Take it from women who have been in your shoes: through conversation, you can get through this!

• “I went through the exact same thing when I announced my engagement. My husband is Egyptian, and everyone assumed that he was marrying me for a green card. It was extremely hurtful, and I regret that I didn’t set boundaries at that time. So be sure to do it now! On Monday, we celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary. Our happiness in our marriage is the best revenge against all of the naysayers.”
• “We just celebrated my 29th anniversary, and I want you to know that when you get married, he becomes your family (and the kids you may have one day). Everyone else became relatives, so it’s ok to set a no-cross line. You don’t need to burn bridges, but setting a line is very important. When you get married, it becomes you and him, and that’s it. Let people talk, but you let them know that there is a line that they cannot cross.”
• “As an interracial couple, we had to recognize the concerns and plan our wedding around the different family expectations. It took some compromise, hard talks, and a lot of patience, but all went well. 50 years have flown by, and our marriage, our family, and our friends are stronger than ever.”
• “Ask them to try to view your relationship without the stereotypical notion of ‘he is seeking a green card.’ If it were really a green card issue, he would have asked on the first date!. It is just a racist remark. Ask them to judge the content of his character because everything else matters very little.“
• “Here’s the truth: When someone marries an immigrant, people often reduce the relationship to paperwork. It’s easier for them to label it than to understand it. It’s not fair to you or him. Set boundaries by saying, ‘I understand that’s your concern, but I know his heart and our relationship. I’m confident in my decision.’ Or you could say, ‘If you can’t be supportive, I’d rather not discuss it.’“

Take small steps to protect your soon-to-be husband.

• “With all the chaos going on, I want to advise a few protective moves: Limit who you share immigration details with. Keep private details about his status private. Don’t vent about relationship frustrations to people who already doubt him. Lean on friends who actually support you. Four years is not a rushed decision. A man who saved for the ring and waited because he’s traditional doesn’t sound like someone chasing paperwork.”
• “Agreeing with all that Grace had to say, I would like to add that you might also need to think about the safety of your fiancé from some members of your family. It may be that one of them has it in mind to take matters into their own hands and turn in your fiancé to the authorities. ICE doesn’t really care if you have legal status or not, it seems as though they are just throwing out the net and sweeping in all they can. Please be careful with your plans and who knows about them.” 
• “When it comes to ICE, you should have a plan B. I’m a foreigner with American citizenship for so long, but even I am concerned. Make a plan B with your fiancé and someone you trust, who could support you or let you stay with them, just in case. It’s a good idea to have that backup plan, I know I need one right now.” 

I’m sorry that you have to deal with friends and family who don’t respect your love, Fed Up. I’d be Fed Up, too! But I can tell from the passion in your question and the way you describe your guy, that your love will outlast their judgment. Know that an honest conversation can get you through almost any conflict, and that you have a whole community of women here rooting for you!

Best wishes to the happy couple! 

Grace and the Readers