How do I support my boyfriend when his hobby makes me uncomfortable?
Dear Grace,
I recently started a relationship with a man I adore. It’s still relatively new, we are just moving into the fourth month. About a month ago he told me a secret he said he didn’t want me finding out from someone else. He told me he was a cross dresser. This doesn’t really bother me because who am I to tell someone else how to live? He explained that he mainly does it at night and usually does it every other night. He doesn’t go out in public and his Mom and children do not know. I am ok with all of that but he would like to be able to do it in front of me and be comfortable with that. Although I do not judge, my question is how am I going to be able to do what he wants and feel ok with it? I’m a southern Baptist and with my upbringing I’m not sure how I will be able to do that without hurting his feelings. I love him very much and do not want to hurt him in any way. I need your help Grace.
– Conflicted in Cedar Rapids
Dear Conflicted,
Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful question. I can tell how much this relationship means to you and how much this is weighing on your heart. You can love your boyfriend without loving everything he loves, but judgment and shame aren’t healthy for any relationship. I’m proud of you for being brave enough to ask for help so that you can show up for your boyfriend with the love and support he deserves. When you’re dealing with something new, it’s natural to need some help to navigate your feelings—so let’s talk about how to handle it.
Honor his trust. From what it sounds like, talking to you about this was a huge show of trust on his part. All that we can ask of the people we love is that they accept us as our full, authentic selves and I can hear how important that is to you as you navigate this situation. It can be so scary to reveal something personal when we don’t know how it will be received, and your thoughtful question is a real testament to the strength of your feelings and relationship.
Reflect on your relationship. I can hear how conflicted you feel about what this might mean for your relationship. Learning something surprising about your partner is enough to throw anyone off a bit, but I’ve got some advice to help you find your footing. When it comes to figuring out how I feel about another person’s behavior, I ask myself two questions.
- Is what they are doing hurting themselves or others?
- Does what they are doing cross any of the boundaries we’ve set in our relationship?
Good news, Conflicted, it sounds like, in your case, the answer to both of these questions is “no” and you two are going to be just fine. Each of us is different, with our own passions, quirks, and experiences—and they’re nothing to be ashamed of. One marker of a healthy, loving relationship is supporting each other to pursue those passions and be true to ourselves, which, based on your question, sounds like your goal.
Ask questions. Now we’ve arrived at the real dilemma: how do you show him love and support if you’re feeling unsure or uncomfortable? Since it sounds like your faith is part of what’s making you feel so conflicted, take some time to think about where that comes from. We are all the products of our communities, families, and experiences, and sometimes we need to detangle those threads a bit to understand how we really feel.
Ask yourself questions about what your faith really means to you and how you are living it out—just answering those two questions can help provide some clarity. Thinking about your question, I find myself coming back to a truth I always rely on in my own life: that God made us all different, and coming to know those differences is part of the great journey of life.
If you’ve read any of my other columns, you’ll know that I’m a big advocate of baby steps. You’re new to this part of your partner’s life, so take some time to learn about it and his experience. It’s fine to set a boundary so that you can stretch your comfort zone slowly rather than all at once, but don’t underestimate yourself—seeing your boyfriend do something that brings him joy may not be as scary as you think. Regardless, at the end of the day, you don’t have to love everything he loves, but you can find your own way of showing him that you love him, just as he is.
This might feel like a one in a million situation, Conflicted, but I promise you that you’re not alone. Figuring out how to support each other as authentically as possible is a part of every successful relationship. I’m sending you both all my love and encouragement!
Best wishes,
Grace