BONUS! How do I tell my fiancé that I don’t want a big wedding?

Dear Grace,

My fiancé wants a big wedding, but I don’t (even though it will be my first). I don’t want all the attention and the big bills that a huge party comes with. I want it to be small, private, and affordable. How can I tell him I just want to go to the justice of the peace?

– Shy in Shelby County

Hello again, Shy in Shelby County,

It’s wedding season and your question is on my mind again! Weddings can bring up so much family drama – everyone wants to feel included and heard on the big day. But sometimes, the desires of the wedding couple can get drowned out by the noise.

You wrote in asking how to talk to your fiancé about having a smaller wedding, and I encouraged you to be honest with him. But I’m not the only one! Women across the country wrote in with advice for you. Here are some of my favorites:

“I agree with what Grace said. You owe it to yourself, your freedom, your happiness, and your future marriage to be honest with your future husband. This is the first of many honest and perhaps uncomfortable conversations that will build a strong marriage.”

“Before getting married, it is important to have a conversation about finances. Make sure you get on the same page about how much you both want to spend on the wedding, how much you want to save, and what your financial goals are.”

“A marriage is give and take and full of compromises. You’re a team, and you need to work together to create and reach the goals you make. Planning a wedding gives a glimpse of how you two will work together in your marriage. I’ve been happily married for 23 years, and my husband is still my best friend. We still give and take, and make decisions together. When it comes to the size of the wedding, start by each making your own guest list. Have him make his list of who he would invite, not who his mom wants him to invite, but who he wants there on his big day. Maybe his own list isn’t as big as he’s thinking. Compare lists and work together to combine them.”

“Be honest with him, he will appreciate it. Maybe he thinks you want a big wedding and just wants to give you the best. You won’t know until you talk about it. But don’t start out the marriage not being honest with him.” 

“Anxiety is not something you want as a bride on your wedding day. Remember, you are building a marriage, and the best way to do that is to be honest with your partner and to make decisions together that you both agree on. If you’re already having anxiety about the wedding, I urge you to share this with your partner and tailor the wedding together so you can release that and enjoy a beautiful ceremony together.” 

“Being honest now sets the tone for your entire marriage. Being open and honest will allow for conversation and hopefully a compromise for the big day. Neither my husband nor I wanted to pay for a big wedding, but we still wanted to celebrate with all our friends and family at the same time. So, we had a very small wedding with our closest friends and family members, then a few months later, after we were able to settle into our new lives and enjoy the beginning of our marriage, we had a “happily ever after” house party where we invited everyone else. There was no pressure, we got to fully enjoy both days, and we got what we wanted out of our celebration!” 

“I have a wedding coming up too in 8 months! So I KNOW what you are going through. I completely agree with Grace, and to add on to her points, I can say that if you don’t have a comfortable conversation with him about it, then you will regret it later. If there is one thing I’ve learned so far in my 3 years with my fiancé, it is that truthful communication and compromise are key. Compromise can be hard and sometimes feel unfair to one or the other. You are two different people with two different wants, dislikes, imaginations, etc. But there are many more conflicts and disagreements to come, so think of this as practice. It is a good and important skill to have when it comes to being connected with someone else for the rest of your life.”

I hope that wedding planning is going well, Shy in Shelby County. And I hope that you feel heard, understood, and accepted in your new marriage and family. We are all wishing you luck!

Love,

Grace and the Readers