How do I move on from this divorce when I don’t even know why it happened?

Dear Grace,

My spouse of 25 years sent me an email out of nowhere asking for a divorce. Since then, he has been staying with his mom, and he won’t talk to me. No emails, texts, or calls. I have never cried so much in my life. I’m shocked and confused.

How do I get past my emotions and move on without any answers as to why?

– Heartbroken in Michigan

Dear Heartbroken,

I wish I could give you a hug right now! I can’t imagine how betrayed and abandoned you must feel. I want you to know something important: you do not deserve this. No one does! After building a life and marriage together for 25 years, it’s not fair that he didn’t have a face-to-face conversation with you about his feelings.  Please don’t beat yourself up for falling apart. You’re human, and this is one of the hardest things a person can go through. 

Here is my advice for moving through your grief:

Let your feelings out.

Some people believe closure means getting an explanation. It doesn’t always work that way. Your husband may never tell you why he left, and you can’t control that. What you can control is feeling your feelings: sadness, confusion, anger. Write down everything you wish you could say to him, even if you never send it. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how unfair this feels. All of these big feels are a normal part of grief, not a flaw in your character. Don’t rush yourself past it and don’t push them down.

Take care of your heart.

This is hard to hear, but the best years of your life may still be ahead of you. One day, it won’t hurt so much. One day, you’ll thrive. But for now, you just need to survive this season of grief. Put your own needs first. Eat meals that make you feel strong. Take walks outside. Get enough sleep. Cry when you need to. Say yes to activities you enjoy and no to things that drain you. Pick up hobbies you set aside during your marriage. This isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You spent 25 years caring for a marriage. Now it’s time to care for yourself.

Only time can heal a broken heart.

Answers may feel like they would fix everything, but they wouldn’t erase the pain of losing a 25-year marriage. Only time truly heals a broken heart. Be patient with yourself over the coming months. Lean on people who love you. Call a sister. Sit with a neighbor. Look for a local support group for people going through divorce; many community centers, women’s centers, and local libraries host these for free. If your sadness feels too heavy to carry alone, ask for help. 

Heartbroken, you deserve a partner who talks to you, not one who disappears without a word. You deserve honesty, respect, and love that doesn’t vanish overnight. Give yourself grace as you heal, and trust that brighter days are coming for you.

Love,

Grace