BONUS! Is it normal to feel lonely once your kids are all grown up?

Dear Grace,

My husband and I have been together for 40 years. The children are now adults with children of their own. When we were younger, we did a lot of things together. Now that we’re older, we have very different interests. We spend meal times together and watch a little television. But, the rest of the day we spend doing our own thing. There’s not much romance either. We’re both retired and mostly always at home.

Sometimes I feel lonely. I’ve lost family members with whom I spent time with in the past. My kids don’t check in with me much. They seem annoyed with me when I call too often. My spouse and I seem to have grown apart. Is this a normal progression or am I overreacting?

– Lonely in Philly

Hello again, Lonely in Philly,

A few months ago, you wrote in sharing your story and asking for advice. I responded with a few ideas on how to navigate this new stage of life that you are in and the very normal feelings of loneliness that come with it. 

I want you to know that you’re not alone. I texted your question to women all across the country, and hundreds of them responded, saying they struggle with loneliness too. It’s normal to feel a bit lonely and lost once your kids are grown up, especially if you were a stay-at-home mom. 

Women from all over America wrote in with their tips on what to do when loneliness creeps in. Here are a few of my favorites:

Enjoy taking care of yourself.

• “I absolutely can relate to this! I felt guilty for feeling lonely because I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful children, but I was incredibly lonely. It took me a long time to realize that I was lonely because when my kids grew up, I lost my identity. I spent the last 15 years caring for everyone else and never take time out for myself. I had to learn that doing simple things for myself that make me feel pretty, happy, special, and fulfilled outside of my home life is NOT selfish. It’s quite the opposite. When you don’t spend some time on loving yourself, you really are not as kind and loving towards others. I have been exercising, getting my nails done, and getting lunch with my best friend. These things have had a huge impact on my relationships with my family! They have all encouraged me to keep it up and have all said they have noticed a HUGE improvement in my mood, my appearance, and my attitude. I’m so grateful I have found myself again! I hope if this speaks to you, you will be encouraged!”
• “It’s understandable to feel lonely after your children have grown and moved out. Many parents experience this transition, but there are ways to rekindle the sparks in your marriage and find joy in your daily life again. Remember to prioritize self-care and give yourself time to rediscover what makes you happy. Sometimes, small changes can make a big difference in feeling more fulfilled. Your feelings are valid. You deserve to find happiness and connection in your marriage and life.”
• “I think it’s normal to feel lonely in a long marriage sometimes. Focus on yourself. Work on yourself, physically and mentally. Join new groups, stay active, make new friends. Love yourself so much that you like to be alone. Enjoy your freedom! You are free to go wherever you want and do whatever you want! So many people wish they had that!”

Get the spark back in your marriage.

• “I would make a date night at least once a week. Plan something different and dress up, and encourage him to do the same as when you were younger and more spontaneous. And go dancing, anything to be closer to one another and an excuse to touch.”
• “This is completely normal. Put some spark back into your romance by planning some quality time, not in front of the TV. Go for walks after dinner, cook together, try a new hobby or class, go out for a drink, or check out a new store. Enjoy him while you have him. This is the time to grow closer, now that the kids are older. Try to reconnect.”
• “Lonely in Philly, we all tend to stop the little love things in our marriages while raising a family and running a home.  However, those little fun things were what built the foundation of our relationship that led to marriage. Little notes tucked in pockets, a gift card for a special coffee. Date nights (not expensive)! Short texts that say “thinking about you, can’t  wait to see you this evening.”  We must put the spark and fun back and KEEP it.”

Find a hobby—just for you.

• “I love Grace’s advice, but would also encourage you to foster some new hobbies for just yourself. Maybe reading, learning a new skill, sport, or craft. I love my craft projects.” 
• “There are countless activities, groups, and people out there that you can check out! Try a new sport, hobby, activity, or group. It will make you feel connected and much less lonely. Get back to the things you once enjoyed, be it line dancing, yoga, or volunteering. Or try something you always wanted to, but didn’t have time for previously, like genealogy, or learning to sculpt, or an art class, cooking class, etc.”
• “I feel some of your loneliness can be worked on by taking up hobbies that matter to you. Or take a free class at Michael’s to learn something new. If you have friends or relatives in your area, get together for dinner, a movie, a book club, or even a girls’ trip! Nothing is more fun than spending quality time with the girls.”

Start volunteering as soon as you can.

• “I feel the exact same way. You are not alone. I’m working on this with a therapist right now. It’s going well, she encouraged me to start taking a couple of community education classes and find a place to volunteer. It’s just been wonderful to meet new people.”
• “Pick a cause you care about, like animals or feeding the homeless, and look up some volunteering. You will feel less lonely because you will make friends and you will feel useful and needed, just like you did when your kids were little.”
• “I agree with Grace, getting involved in the community and making new friends is very important. Pick a cause that you care about and start volunteering.”

You asked if what you’re feeling is “normal.” Hundreds of women from across the country agree: yes. It is normal to feel this way, but it doesn’t mean you have to feel this way forever. As women, we’re so busy taking care of others that sometimes we forget to take care of ourselves. This chapter of your life is all about exploring what brings you joy and fulfillment. I’m so excited for your journey. We’re rooting for you!

Love, 

Grace and the Readers