BONUS! My husband won’t clean up after himself, and it’s getting worse. How do I change the dynamic?

Dear Grace,

My husband has ADHD, and he is quite aware of it. The thing is, my husband doesn’t pick up after himself, like at all. He works on a project, makes a mess while doing it, and leaves everything scattered around. He doesn’t even put away his expensive tools half the time. I ask him to clean up after himself when he is done, but nothing gets cleaned up. Then I beg and plead, and then it becomes an argument about him cleaning up after himself. And then, when the dust settles, I am the one left cleaning up his messes, all the time.

Our kids notice this, and now they are following in their dad’s footsteps, because he has set that example. How do I get him to understand the importance of cleaning up after himself and get him to clean up after himself?

We have been married for 17 years and together for 20, and it has only gotten worse as time goes along. I feel like I am beating my head into a wall with this. Your advice would be great.

– Wife, Mom & now Maid in McGill

Dear again Wife, Mom & now Maid,

Recently, you wrote in asking for my advice on how to keep a tidy home when your husband won’t clean up after himself. I encouraged you to have a calm conversation with your husband about how you can tackle this issue as a family, do some research together on ADHD-friendly ways to organize your home, and give each other grace as you make changes to your family’s tidying habits.

I texted out the advice column to hundreds of thousands of women across the country, and SO many of them related to your experience. You’re not alone in this challenge. Fortunately, plenty of women from all over have tips and tricks on how to keep a tidy (and ADHD-friendly) home.

Here are some of my favorite pieces of advice from readers like you:

Encourage your husband to get mental health care.

Women across the country shared their positive experiences with getting support from a doctor or counselor.

• “Hi! For a moment there, I thought you were talking about me and my home. No lie. But I followed the link here and see what you’re going through. I understand this all too well, as my 3 boys have ADHD/ODD, and I suspect that of their father. If your husband has an official diagnosis, maybe it’s time for some medication with therapy to handle these types of situations. If he doesn’t have an official diagnosis, take him to a doctor to get one. If he is resistant, you could start with family therapy.”
• “I have ADHD myself, and my first suggestion is to get therapy. A therapist with a focus on ADHD could give you and your husband suggestions for every aspect in your lives…not just cleaning.”
• “I am 64 and recently was diagnosed with ADHD. What I have found is that the medication that I received does help me quite a bit. ADHD comes in various forms, so pinpointing what works or doesn’t work for your husband is going to be the chore, but once you find the right meds, the time you spent doing it is worth it. People with ADHD deal with random thoughts, scattered projects, starting and not being able to finish, or simply looking at a huge project and not knowing where to start. That makes us freeze and get stuck, so sometimes it’s better to just throw your hands up in the air and go to another room. My medication has really helped with that, along with learning systems to organize things. Remember, your husband can’t help the way that he is, but with help, he can manage who he is.”

Use these life-hacks to get your home more ADHD-friendly.

Our community of readers was FULL of practical ideas for how to create systems that will help you and your husband keep the house cleaner.

• “Do a big declutter: The root of overwhelming mess is almost always having too much stuff. An ADHD brain struggles with decision-making, and fewer items means fewer decisions. Grab some large bags and don’t overthink it. Ask simple questions: Is it trash? Have I used it in a year? Can someone else use it more? Be relentless. The less you have, the less you have to manage.”
• “I recommend that anyone with ADHD get a whiteboard prominently displayed in their home to keep lists of daily tasks. It was a game-changer and marriage-saver for me.”
• “I use a timer. I would rather split cleaning into twice a day, and use the timer to do little 10-minute bursts of chores. The short focused bursts really help and make me dread it less because it’s quick.”
• “One trick that saved me is I keep a cute “doomsday basket” to sweep clutter into during the week from the floors, counters, and furniture. Having 1 place where everything random can be dropped keeps all the mess from taking over. We put everything into the “doomsday basket,” and then we take turns resetting and putting everything from the basket away in its place on Sundays. Tell your husband to do it too and see where that goes.”
• “A fascinating aspect of ADHD is something known as “body doubling,” where having another person present, even if they’re just quietly reading or working nearby, can dramatically improve focus and task completion. Your presence can be a powerful, silent form of support for your husband while he cleans (or does anything else he’s been putting off!).”
• “Make everything visible. Some people with ADHD will forget if they don’t see it. I can’t stress the use of labels enough. Get some clear bins, baskets, hooks, or trays (not boxes or drawers, you need to see inside them), and label what goes where.”

Talk to your husband about the example he is setting. 

You said it yourself, your husband’s habit of letting you clean up his messes is starting to show up in your kids’ behavior. Whether it comes naturally or not, maintaining your home and keeping things tidy is a part of parenting that he can’t just opt out of. Your kids need to understand that everyone in the home is responsible for keeping it up. Not everyone’s job or contribution needs to be or look the same, but you should all be doing your part to help out. You mentioned that your husband is very aware of his ADHD and doesn’t seem to try and understand how it impacts you and your family. Women from across the country want you to know that what you’ve been doing is unsustainable…something needs to change!

• “You’re not alone in this. Many partners of ADHD spouses carry the ‘invisible load.’ You deserve peace in your home. It’s not about perfection, it’s about shared effort. And after 20 years, it’s okay to say, ‘Something has to change. I can’t carry this alone anymore.’ If he’s willing to work with you, even a little, there’s hope.”
• “You aren’t anyone’s maid! Put your foot down and stop allowing others the power. Don’t let them walk all over you, don’t be a doormat. You get that power back. And then you will have things the way you want…or else!”
• “Have HIM sit your children down and explain why this behavior has been disrespectful to you and not appropriate for a family and growing kids. Ask him to be in charge of the kids’ chore chart since you’ve spent years as a maid already, and they need to see the other parent of the family taking responsibility for his actions as well. That way you can finally have some peace!”
• “He is a grown man, and leaving you to clean up after everyone is disrespectful. You are his wife, and you deserve better. Make him become accountable or make him leave. Just because you married him, doesn’t mean you have to put up with that!”

After years of arguing about keeping the house tidy, it’s no wonder that you’re tired. It’s exhausting to see a mess you didn’t make and think, “Is this pair of socks on the ground worth a fight?” Women are often taught to pick up the slack when others aren’t carrying their weight, so it makes sense that you’ve fallen into this pattern. But your marriage, your children’s growth, and your own peace are worth taking a stand for. The small ways we live together really DO matter and are an important way we show respect. With some honest conversation, new boundaries, and some effort from your husband, I’m sure the two of you can make a home that works for both of you. 

Love, 

Grace and the Readers