Grace, I’m stuck between the PTA and my principles.

Dear Grace,

I went to a recent PTA meeting at my son’s school and after the announcements and discussion about field trips this fall, we were just all kind of mingling and talking about our kids. One of the moms from my son’s class came up to me and asked me to join her Facebook group organizing for parents rights at school. When I went home and looked up the group, I found that it was mostly focused on posts about transgender kids and controlling bathrooms and what the kids read. I don’t know if there are any transgender kids at our school and I don’t know much about the issue, but I feel really uncomfortable with the tone of this group and the idea that all these parents could make kids feel unwelcome or like they don’t belong. 

I want my son to learn that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and that there’s nothing wrong with being different (even if we don’t totally understand it). How do I make sure he holds on to this value when he might hear something else at school or at friends’ houses?

– Principled in Pennsylvania

Dear Principled,

Thank you so much for your question. Society is changing quickly and for a lot of folks, it’s hard to keep up. Being overwhelmed by change (whether to your morning routine or the world as we know it) can be scary and even threatening. I imagine that some of the parents at your school are feeling that fear and worry about what it means for their ability to protect their kids. I like that, in the midst of all of this, your approach is to both protect your child and keep an eye out for other kids who might be affected by a campaign like this. 

When I don’t totally understand something or feel in over my head, I usually go back to the rules we learned in kindergarten, which all boil down to treating others as you want to be treated. This is the very principle that you are teaching your son – that everyone deserves to feel safe and like they belong. That’s kind of Kid Rules 101.

Here’s my advice for you, Principled:

Talk it out. Teach your son how to show his classmates he cares. It might sound crazy, but we aren’t born empathetic. It takes kids years to learn how to put themselves in someone else’s shoes so they can act with empathy. Talk to him about how to be a good friend and appreciate other kids’ feelings. Telling stories is another great way to teach him about treating others with kindness. Tell him about when someone was a good friend to you and how it made you feel.  

Practice recognizing and appreciating people for how they stand out. Since you’re concerned about his classroom environment, listen to how his day went at school and ask him about his classmates. Who is a good artist? Who is fast? Who has the most interesting lunch? You can adapt your questions to match what’s relevant for his age group, but no matter how old he is, teaching him to value his friends’ unique qualities will give him the foundation to celebrate differences as an adult. 

Talk to his teacher. Chances are, your son’s teacher has already put lots of thought into how they are creating a welcoming environment for all students. Reach out to share your concerns, understand their plans for creating a safe and welcoming environment, and learn how you can be supportive. Teachers are no stranger to bullying and they are your go-to partners for making sure your son and his classmates are set up to learn and succeed. If you’re looking for ways to get involved, consider being a volunteer reader and sharing a story about self-esteem and appreciating differences. One of my favorites is Chrysanthemum, a story about a mouse who learns to love her unique name. 

You mentioned that you don’t know much about transgender kids, so consider this a learning opportunity for both you and your son. My book club recently read a book that touched on the subject and I found it really helpful. The book is called This Is How It Always Is by Laurie Frankel. Check it out and let me know what you think, maybe we can have a little book club discussion of our own!

I feel confident that you’re guiding your son to become a caring classmate now, and a good friend for life. When I was a kid, my dad used to pull me aside before the first day of each school year to remind me to be a friend to everyone. I remember that message to this day and I’m sure that your son will pick up on your principles to treat everyone with respect, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Wishing you all the best this school year, 

Grace