Help! My husband has ED, but I’m not ready to say goodbye to our love life.

Dear Grace,

How do you handle your husband of almost 20 years having ED? I know it’s his problem but it is also mine. He has had to face this himself and I know it has been very difficult for him. But there is another side to this problem: The wife. I feel so bad sometimes for being selfish and feeling like I’m not ready to give up that part of my sex life. It feels like sometimes he doesn’t even realize what he has asked me to do? Like it’s only him that has lost something. 

This makes it difficult to be attracted to him that way or even want to have a physical relationship with him. I know I should adapt to his problem and not worry about the outcome but inside I’m sad and miss the couple we used to be. I am only in my 50s and was not ready for this! I’m just not sure what to do to get that spark back between us?

– Wifey in Wisconsin

Dear Wifey,

I want to first say that it doesn’t make you an unreasonable or insensitive person to want a fulfilling sexual relationship with your husband, or to miss the physical connection you used to have. In my opinion, it speaks to the overall health of your marriage and your love for each other. 

This is an extremely common and relatable situation that nearly all couples face at some point. Mental stress and physical health issues can cause loss of libido for both men and women, but they don’t have to mean the end of a healthy sex life. The good news is that the more we talk about these things openly (I get questions like yours almost every day!), the more we’re exposed to a variety of solutions. Here are some suggestions to help you find the right approach for you.

Talk to your husband. As they say, it takes two to tango—and it’s going to take two to talk about why you don’t tango anymore. Yes, discussing it can feel awkward and embarrassing for many of us, so the most important thing you can do is keep communication open and judgment-free. It’s clear you don’t blame him for what’s happening, but because this is such a sensitive topic for men, he may worry that he’s let you down and hear accusations where there aren’t any. Be patient with him (and with yourself) through this. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be honest about how you’re feeling—intimacy is important, Wifey, and this is worth talking about. Hearing how his situation is impacting you might be news to him, even though it seems obvious to you. Be clear that you love him and the intimacy you share, and that you want to explore solutions to get that back. 

Reimagine intimacy. As you’re probably aware, the most common solution is medication, and if your husband hasn’t explored this, he should talk to his doctor. However, if this isn’t an option, it doesn’t mean you’re out of them—it  might just mean being a little more creative. It sounds like you two have had an active sex life for most of your marriage, which is amazing! I would bet you had to experiment in order to learn each other’s preferences in the beginning, and this may be another one of those moments. There are many other things you can both do to connect physically and bring each other pleasure. Embrace the adventure, as you did when you were younger. Having to try new things may even reinvigorate the excitement!

Take things into your own hands. Excuse the pun, Wifey, but if Grace and Frankie have taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need to rely on someone else to fulfill your needs. Giving yourself some personal attention and investing in a toy or two might be just the thing to keep you feeling fulfilled while you and your husband get back on track. There are plenty of websites and stores run by women that offer a safe and supportive place to shop and get all of your questions answered. This can be a solo activity if that’s what you’re comfortable with, but it can also be something you two explore together. Be bold! 

Thank you so much for writing to me, Wifey. You’re not alone in this and I’m grateful that your courage in reaching out will be seen by others who need to hear this, too. Best wishes for both of you!

Have fun!, 

Grace