How do I address rude comments from my neighbors’ kids?

Dear Grace,

 My neighborhood is really social, especially in summer, and you can pretty much count on some kind of cookout every weekend. Last week we had our last-day-of-school cookout and our new neighbors (just moved in last month) came to join us. They are muslim and brought some of their own food to eat and plenty to share. When we were cleaning up, I heard some of the kids talking about how weird their food smelled and sort of making fun of it. I don’t think the new neighbors heard, but I’m worried about next time. I wanted to step in but wasn’t sure how or if it was my place, since they weren’t my kids. How should I address it so that they know how to be respectful and welcoming?

– Delicate in Des Moines

Dear Delicate,

This is such a sticky situation to find yourself in! Just reading, I remembered being a kid and overhearing my best friend gossip about another girl in our class. I felt like I should *do* something, but I wasn’t sure what. Since then, this issue has cropped up in all kinds of ways–like in the situation you described–and made me ask myself when to get involved or when to hang back and risk being part of the problem. 

Stepping in to guide someone else’s kids can be a tough line to walk, but it sounds like you have a pretty close knit community, and you know what they say, “it takes a village to raise a child.” When I think about your situation, I see an opportunity to teach kids in the neighborhood to be curious about others rather than making assumptions or judgements. This isn’t just a lesson for them, it’s one we are all learning and grappling with as the world changes around us. 

We’ve all heard the saying, “you can’t just talk the talk, you’ve got to walk the walk.” That’s as true for your situation as ever. By that I mean that setting an example will go a lot farther than telling the kids what to do. At your next barbeque, consider these Do’s and Don’ts: 

• Do: Keep it light. Ask the kids which dishes they tasted and how they liked them. Give them a chance to explain their perspectives, and listen closely to their answers. Whether they enjoyed the food or not, celebrate that they tried it and express gratitude for the work and love that went into making it. 
• Do: Share a time when you tried a new food that you were hesitant to taste, where the experience turned out to be a good one. Ask them if they can think of a time that happened for them. You’re setting a great example of curiosity paying off, which will stick with them. 
• Do: Dare them to try something new! See how they respond. 
• Don’t: Shame them, guilt them or make them feel bad about themselves. At the end of the day, they are kids, still trying to figure out the right ways to navigate the world and all its complexity. We all make mistakes and deserve the chance to learn from them. 

Here’s to many more lovely cookouts, conversations, and curiosity. It’s a beautiful thing that you’ve got going on in your community, and I am so thankful that you wrote in to share it with me and all our readers.

<3 Grace