I Haven’t Even Started IVF And I’m Already Stressed!
Dear Grace,
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 3 years. We’ve been through every at-home tip in the book, plenty of medication, and now, a miscarriage. At my last doctor’s appointment, the doctor suggested that we try IVF (in vitro fertilization) and gave us the rundown of what to expect. I went home and did my own research and read that the abortion bans passing around the country could impact my treatment. I know that IVF is going to be hard physically, emotionally, and financially (my insurance only covers a portion), but the idea of potential legal issues on top of it all makes me really nervous. We both desperately want to be parents, but also don’t want to end up over our heads in red tape. Am I being paranoid or is this a legit fear?
Signed,
Wary in Wilkes-Barre
Dear Wary,
I’m so sorry that you are struggling and experienced the loss you did. Infertility can feel lonely, but I promise, Wary, you’re not alone. Around 20% of couples in America deal with some kind of infertility and experience the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with it.
I’ve been where you are, and remember my own research stage—I scoured the internet for info on my treatment options, but what helped me the most were blogs from women who’d been through it before. Even though I never spoke to those women, I felt such deep gratitude for how their vulnerability helped ease my own anxiety.
The potential legal issue you bring up, however, is a whole different ball game. There aren’t stories about how other couples handled it because none have, yet. The first IVF baby was born in the late 70s, after Roe v. Wade was decided and women across America had the right to make reproductive decisions about their bodies and their embryos. Now that the Supreme Court has overturned it, there are a lot of issues, like this one, up in the air.
Update: On February 20, 2024, the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos used in IVF and other fertility treatments count as children, disrupting treatment for families around the state. Doctors, patients, and lawyers are all investigating what this will mean for the future of treatment for infertility. If you live in Alabama, make sure you talk to your doctor about your treatment options early.
Here’s what I suggest:
Get the facts. To answer your question about whether your fears are legit, my answer is, unfortunately, yes. Since the right to abortion is no longer protected across the country, states are free to pass laws about a whole range of reproductive decisions, including how families like yours can use embryos in IVF. I know I’m preaching to the choir, but infertility is hard enough without trying to detangle the complicated legal rules around your personal decisions.
Talk to your doctor and insurance provider about your concerns so they can help you stay up to date about any potential changes ahead.
Connect with other moms-to-be. Like I said, you’re not alone. There are plenty of other couples facing the same stress and uncertainty. Since this challenge to IVF is so new, consider starting the blog you wish you had by sharing your feelings and what you’ve learned with other aspiring moms and dads. Ask your doctor whether there is a support group they can connect you with, or make an account on Peanut, an app that connects women throughout their journey with fertility, pregnancy, and motherhood. Building a community will help you keep up with how families like yours are impacted by new laws and give you a group to be there for you through your frustrations, stress, and hopefully, your successes.
Manage your energy. I don’t have to tell you twice, infertility is hard, and it’s more important than ever that you protect your time and manage your energy. It can be easy to let the constant stream of appointments, calls, and portal messages take over your schedule, so make sure you hang on to some down time each week. Pick an activity that feels fun and restful and add it to your routine—taking care of you is as important to your fertility journey as the rest of your treatment plan.
I’m on your team, Wary. Sending you all my love and plenty of baby dust!
Grace