How do I build a community when I feel like an outsider?
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Dear Grace,
I just moved to my husband’s hometown with our two young kids and adjusting is harder than I thought. My husband’s friends have been plenty nice, but their wives have all been friends since high school and I constantly feel like the odd one out. I have a slightly different accent than they do and my personal style doesn’t really match their vibe (I don’t have a Stanley cup or own anything monogrammed). I generally feel awkward and kind of judged. I really want to find a way to make friends and build a community here, any advice?
– Out of style in Oklahoma
Dear Out of Style,
Moving is hard, both because of the pain of packing and unpacking, and because of how hard it can be to start over somewhere new. I can imagine that it’s also hard to admit that you’re struggling when your husband is experiencing the move as a kind of “homecoming” to his high school buddies and any family he has in town. If you haven’t already told him how you’re feeling, this would be a good time. Our partners are the foundation of our support system, and building a new life in his hometown starts with being there for each other.
It sounds like this group of women have a lot in common with each other. They went to school together, they dress similarly and they all grew up in the same place. We’re taught “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but when you moved into town with a different accent and style, they judged the book.
But I’d like to give you some tough love, Out of Style. I think you may be judging them as well. Just because they dress alike and grew up in the same place doesn’t mean they’re all the same. Sometimes as women, we are the hardest on each other. Our clothes (monogrammed or not), the tone of our voices, and even the way we laugh are all surface-level things that others could critique but that don’t say anything about who we really are.
With that in mind, here are some suggestions to help you find your people:
Get to know them individually: Even if they don’t mean to make you feel awkward, you’re going to feel awkward when you’re the new kid on the block. Try spending time with some of them one-on-one to get to know them as individuals instead of writing off the whole group. Get a coffee and see which of these women (if any) you connect with. Give them a chance to surprise you and you might stumble into a beautiful friendship.
Focus on shared values, not shared aesthetics: You may find you have more in common with this group if you bring the conversation away from brands and back to your values. Try chatting with them about marriage, parenting, and even how the move has been for you. These women may even be able to offer advice and support for getting to know the town better—ask them for recommendations for childcare, gyms, kid activities, or anything else that you normally build into your routine. Hearing suggestions from real people is, in my book, usually much more useful than a Google search.
Lean into your hobbies and interests: The best way to find community in a new place is to lean into what you love. Sign yourself up for an activity you’re into (one that is kid-friendly, if that is what works best for your schedule) or an event going on in the community. You can go it alone and hopefully meet someone who shares your interests or even invite one of the wives from your husband’s friend group—think of it as a “second” friend-date after coffee. Sometimes doing something together helps to smooth out any awkwardness and you might find that conversation just flows better. It’s worth a try!
No pressure. Remember, Out of Style, that just because you may not find a soulmate-level friend in this group, doesn’t mean she isn’t waiting for you somewhere else across town. Not every friendship will be a true ride-or-die dynamic. Maybe these women will be the kind of warm acquaintances you see at barbecues and nothing more, and that’s ok! Building a community means cultivating different relationships, so feel free to seek out your people elsewhere.
It’s easy to fall into a habit of categorizing people into “like me” and “not like me.” But sometimes it’s the people who seem like our opposites that bring out the best in us. Don’t write anyone off until you get to know them, unlikely combinations often turn out to be classics: peanut butter and jelly, french fries and frosties, you name it. Your next best friend might just be holding a monogrammed Stanley cup!
Rooting for you,
Grace
