Ask The Readers: How do I feel confident after my surgery left scars?

Dear Readers,

How can I regain my self-confidence after having back surgery that left me with a bad scar? I don’t feel sexy or comfortable anymore in my own self. How do I get back to liking the way I look?

– Not Feeling Myself, North Carolina

Dear Not Feeling Myself,,

Ask The Readers is your regular chance to grab the mic and give advice to other readers in our community. Each piece of advice we share comes from a different thoughtful reader. Keep an eye out for more juicy questions and answers!

First of all, recovering from surgery is a big deal. I hope that it went well and aside from your scars, you are in good health. 

Adjusting to how our bodies change over time can be really challenging, especially when movies, TV shows, and magazines have a really narrow idea of what “beautiful” looks like. Lucky for you, you are not alone. So many women who have surgery scars look and feel beautiful in their changed bodies. I hope that the advice from readers like you helps you feel confident again, here’s what they had to say:

Get Creative. Some of us suggested trying out a new look to incorporate your new scars. Here are some ideas to jump-start your style:

• “Some people get tattoos that cover or celebrate their scars. My own sister has one on her upper right arm. It’s pretty!”
• “Try buying a fun outfit or lingerie that makes you feel confident. It could cover your scars or only show the bits you want to show.”
• “Find new ways of expressing yourself. Try other ways of feeling sexy besides what your skin looks like. Get a new haircut or try a new perfume. Your scars are not your only accessory!”

Take care of your body and mind. Feeling at home in your body is about much more than what you look like, it’s also about feeling healthy and confident. Here are some ideas for self-care to help you get there: 

• “Move your body. Go for a walk in the neighborhood or try exercising.”
• “Speak to yourself with kind and positive words. Say ‘I love you’ and ‘You are beautiful’ to yourself in the mirror every day.”
• “Cook and eat delicious and nutritious food. Bring leftovers to a neighbor. Bake cookies for the kids in your building. Taking care of yourself and others will make you more confident.”
• “Have you tried talking to your doctor? Mine set me up with a counselor after my surgery and it really helped.”
• “Treat yourself to a nice bath and use all of your favorite products.”
• “Wear your favorite special-occasion outfit just because. You’re worth it!”

Your scars are a reminder that your body is resilient. It sounds like you had pretty major surgery. Now that it’s over, is your mobility better? Are you pain-free? Think about the positives that the surgery gave you and wear your scars like a badge of honor. Those of us who have stood in your shoes know what it means to be proud of your healing, no matter how it looks. 

• “First off congratulations- back surgery is no small feat! I always ask myself this question: If your husband or partner had a massive scar from a much-needed surgery, the result of war, or accident would you see them as any less sexy than before? Try to remember why the surgery was done in the first place and think of your scar as a lifesaver. Remember that we all have scars! I certainly do! They make us the interesting people we all are. You are beautiful scars and all.” 
• “I’ve had 2 back surgeries, leaving my back completely scarred from my lower back to the top of my middle back. I have a scar on my neck too. I understand what you’re going through and how you feel. My best advice is you’ll get used to them and over time they will just become a part of who you are. I’m proud of who I am and what I have overcome. I hope you can be too. At that moment, you’ll feel sexy again.”
• “Girl, that scar makes you stronger it shows the pain you suffered through and where you are in life today! When I was 13 I had major back surgery twice huge scar down my spine, they took out a piece of my rib and hip so that was another two huge scars. I wasted so much time worrying about what everyone thought of me instead of living my teenage years.  That surgery was a necessary part of your life, right? I know my back surgeries saved my life so how can something as beautiful as a life-saving procedure leave ugly scars?? It can’t! My scars are part of who I am, and who I am is sexy! I know you’ll get your groove back.”

As much as it feels great to like how you look in the mirror, I want to remind you that you are so much more than a pretty face (or back!). The way you look is just one part of who you are, and we can say with confidence that it’s NOT the most important part—despite what makeup commercials want you to think. We hope you can find your way to loving your scars, but even if that feels out of reach for now, don’t beat yourself up. My sister just taught me about “body neutrality”—the idea that you don’t need to love or hate your body. . .just take care of it! If you need to be “body neutral” for a little bit while you get used to your new scars, that’s okay too.

With Love,

Grace and the Readers