How do I forgive myself for my parenting mistakes?
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Dear Grace,
I’m a mom and have made plenty of mistakes with my kids. They’ve all forgiven me but I still can’t forgive myself. I keep beating myself up for them for not being there for them how they needed me, even though they all turned out to be wonderful, responsible adults. How do I let this go?
– Guilty in Grand Rapids
Dear Guilty,
I could feel my chest tighten reading your question. From one mom to another, I am right there with you. We’ve all made mistakes, both as parents and as people, but the important thing is right in front of you: your kids are happy, healthy, wonderful adults. Being a mom is such an incredible responsibility and sometimes it can feel like everything rides on making the “right” decision—whatever that means. That’s too much pressure for anyone to handle and doesn’t take into account a very important truth: part of being alive is making mistakes. Your kids learn to be resilient from watching you respond to challenges and, yes, failures. I hear how much you love your kids and hope that I can help you find some peace for yourself at long last. Here’s my advice:
Follow your children’s lead. Your kids have forgiven you for whatever your shortcomings were as a parent (and we’ve all had them), so why should you still punish yourself? I’m always amazed at how critical and harsh we are to ourselves, when we would treat anyone else in our position with grace and compassion. Yes, you’ve made mistakes. And yes, you deserve to move on with peace of mind.
Write a letter. While I often advise people to talk through their feelings with the loved one involved, that doesn’t always work with the parent-child relationship. It sounds like your hang up isn’t really with your kids, but with yourself. So take some time to write a letter—you can write to yourself or to your kids, if that helps—to put words to what you feel is left unsaid. Sometimes putting pen to paper can help us lift a weight off our hearts so that we can take a deep breath and move on.
Talk to a professional. Our brains are both incredible and complex. Sometimes when we’re stuck and struggling to process our feelings, the thing we need is a little help from an expert. There are plenty of ways to connect 1-1 with a counselor or therapist, whether in-person, via video chat, or even just through text. Counseling has a reputation for being pricey, but it doesn’t have to be. Companies like Better Help and Grow Therapy offer affordable online sessions for people with insurance, and Open Path is a nonprofit that serves people without insurance. We all need a little help every now and then.
No parent is perfect, Guilty. I hope you can find some grace in your heart for the mistakes you made so that you can appreciate all the ways you came through for your kids. Sending you all my love and encouragement,
Grace
don’t feel guilty
Mom guilt is the worse, but life is to short. I encourage you to let the guilt go. Love every precious moment you get. Make memories. You deserve them.
I’m still beating myself up over mistakes Ive made and my children are grown now , I have been forgiven my two of my children but not the other two
I had such a toxic alcoholic narcissistic mother.I never wanted children but you- know-what happens and I simply just continued a life of enduring ,suppressing and surviving.My mian goal was not to be like my mother and build my son up as much as possible but unfortunately his father and his father’s family made both our lives very difficult. Sometimes there’s not much you can do as a mother but just do the best with what you’ve got and have a lot of hope
I’m still guilting myself for not being there and my mistakes! I was a single parent and wasn’t perfect but we do the best that we can. I did alot of Praying
Been there done that it s easy to beat yourself up but you need to let this go we all make mistakes and we learn from them I ve done alot I m not proud off but there s alot I ve done that I am proud of life too short to hold on to things that are done,you can’t change what s been done move forward and let it go
We are not perfect and when our children have their own children and make a mistake they will realize it’s okay as a mom not to be perfect. My son is now 31 and I still write him a letter once in awhile to say how lucky and proud I am to have him as my son.
When I was a young Mother, single, working, my son was brand new, and I had worked a million hours , lol, what seemed like, but was probably not quite that many, I just wanted to take a nap before work again. My son was a little more than a year old,still in a crib. He was standing up screaming and crying because he did not want to take a nap. I stomped into his room, swatted him once on the diaper, and sternly laid him down in his baby bed.
I tried to make that up to that kid for the entire rest of his life in the home.
He is 28 years old now, married, baby of his own, good job, house near the city.
I asked him recently, if he thought I was a good Mom. He told me that if he had wanted a freight train, I would have gotten it for him.
Sometimes, we are too hard on ourselves. We don’t give our children enough credit for being as forgiving as the undoubtedly are.
Sometimes we carry the guilt for past mistakes entirely too long. And we continuously punish ourselves for things we would have changed if given the chance, but usually won’t be.
Now I have a little inside dog, I live alone. She receives all the spoiling I wish I could have given my only son growing up, but could not, because I had to be the parent, not the step parent, not the grandparent, or god parent. My job was to be his parent first, not his friend first, until he was much older.
On December 1st 2000 my yrs old Daughter Lacey was killed in a auto/ bus collision, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault as I wasn’t in the vehicle, and it was the Bus Driver’s fault; I felt tremendous guilt because my job was to keep her from harm. I knew it wasn’t my fault but I still felt guilty and part of myself knew that but it still didn’t help, I felt if I’d been a better Mother, on if I’d done things in the past differently etc, it’s been 23 years since that fateful night; I know better now but I could have probably told you a thousand reasons it was my fault. Point: I loved my Daughter and no matter what I’d done, nothing would have changed the circumstances , Sincerely Theresa Bocock RIP Lacey Jane Carlin forever 18.
Believe me, Mom is not perfect. We try to raise our children the right way. Certain circumstances arise not what we intended. One thing my two grown boys love unconditionally love as I do them. Yet to this day I still blame myself an exposing my son’s to toxic people. Reassured they have told me it in the past and could be changed, it was a lession well learned. They have assured me it was not my fault.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. 99.9% have no intention of doing things not in our children’s best interest. We do the best we can with the information and resources we have at the time. Parenting can be super complex and complicated, especially in this changing culture with so many pressures. No child (as far as I know) comes with an instruction manual for each phase of their psychological, physical and emotional development. Who can know it all. And then it all changes on a dime By and large we love our children and families and sacrifice ourselves for them. Mistakes/failures are merely opportunities to be real and readjust.More love and compassion and less anxiety, judgement and hurt. ❤️❤️❤️
It took me a long time to get past the mistakes I made as a parent. Someone said to me “kim get over it. You can’t change it. So make up for it. You can’t walk-around carrying that guilt the rest f your life”.
To whom may feel this as I do unfortunately I have made plenty of my mistakes with my kids but yes my girls have forgiven and have grown into such responsible caring loving and forgiving young women they have taken my mistakes and learned from although it did hurt them deeply but they have taken that stone out of the way and sterred clear of following in those footsteps they have came to realize no one is perfect and no matter what my love for my children will always supercede whatever I may have done them or made them feel in fact my relationship with my daughters now 21 and 16 has grown into such an amazing and tight and caring and Heathly and loving and strong relationship today we talk everyday the 21 year old is now off on her own in college and is about to graduate and go to law school she has forgiven me for my short comings and yes I still battle with forgiving myself at times I catch myself over compensating with gifts or money etc because of my guilt however my girls will always catch me and say mom its ok I love you and with that follows a tremendous big and soul grapping hug just to reassure and it works like magic everytime.. the 16 year old is more worried about her friends but her as well is just as grown up like her sister so they have returned loved me harder and they listen to me when I may over compensate on things and we definitely talk things out now as before it was a bit hard without the emotional end of it POV like I said I still battle from time to time on forgiving myself but in the end my shortcomings have made my daughters stronger more loving more caring and more aware but most of all forgiving ❤ in time I will finally forgive myself as I am working on that to this day but when my girls give me thier hug and thier smile that does it all for me for I am blessed to have such amazing daughters for I know they will be amazing mothers one day as well so just talk it out and remember no judgment on any part .. and first and foremost have God present at all times you all are in my prayers and thoughts this was amazing as tbh I needed to hear exactly this God works in great and mysterious ways he is great he is good. THROUGH CHRIST ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE ….
I have kids in their mid 30s. If it weren’t for me, my kids wouldn’t be doing as well as they are, as my ex husband was drunk or high throughout our marriage. My kids still lay a guilt trip on me. I’m soo happy to see I’m not the only Mom out there, that worked a full time job while also caring for 2 babies and an adult Male who was old enough to take care of himself. I say, BRAVO LADIES, WE DID IT!! Kids are resilient, even in their 30s. Remind them, Life is short and tomorrow is not promised to anyone. While they’re mad at you, this time could be well spent making new memories with them. THEY ARE losing out on time n laughter with Mom!! That’s what I try n explain to my 2 kids. I hope they get it some day.
Looking back on raising my now grown children I made so many mistakes, but you know, who doesn’t. I can remember crying as a young mother wishing I had handled things differently than I did. Just always make sure you tell your kids that parents make mistakes too. Ask them to forgive you, and most importantly, always tell them you love them.
I’ve found truly reflecting helps .. I’ve had many “mom guilt” moments .. I look back .. I ask myself .. what were all my options back then? Did I utilize all those options? Why or why not? I found I didn’t have a lot of options and in that moment I made the best choice available to me .. I look to my child .. I see his successes .. I must have done something right for him to make good choices also .. sometimes it’s not in the moment our children watch us but how we handle struggles as a whole, who we turn to, how we treat others during our struggles, who is there and who isn’t .. that’s ultimately how they make their choices .. if your children are doing well .. write the guilt on a piece of paper and burn it .. if the guilt should arise again just tell yourself you’ve released it and take a walk, hug yourself, drink a cup of tea/coffee, thank your inner child for doing her best and continue showing up for yourself .. it’s really just about retraining our brains to not sit in victim mentality .. even just calling or texting your child and telling them you love them and are proud of them will help with the guilt .. knowing they are good solids adults and that they still love us and accept us .. flaws and all .. does wonders for our souls ..
If your kids are grown responsible adults they understand dont beat yourself up thats lving in the past move forward and be happy with your kids while you can b4 its to late
Thank you
Jesus, and thank you Ms Grace I really needed to hear this today I’ve been fighting with myself with heavy guilt and a heavy heart so God bless you,, 🙏❤️
I am right there with you. I feel all we can do is be aware of our mistakes and learn from them. The best way I’ve gone about it is to own the mistake and make sure to communicate with my kids, which it seems you’ve done. Nobody is perfect, but I believe genuine efforts to make amends and move forward help both us and our children grow.
Dear Guilty, first and foremost, im happy to hear your children forgave you, and they are wonderful adults.
We as Mothers, have to embrace the beauty of being a Mother, and well im sure you did things the way you did for good reason. No judgements, we all make mistakes. Ever see the movie “Bad Mom”? I recommend you watch it, it is hilarious, and sends a good message to Mothers.
Lastly, love yourself, love who you are and accept who you are, and kids will get to see the best version of you. I have 5 kids and 3 are adults now, my other two i had in my 40’s. Im 51 years old now, and I get to show all of them the best version of me NOW, the past is the past sweetheart, lets be in the NOW!! I believe in you..
Yes as a parent you are definitely going to make mistakes. Things at the time are a big factor in how you react. When things change to a better situation lot’s of times the feelings change. But I think writing it down to let it go would be a great help.
I feel it almost every day of my life. There came a time where I became homeless when my kids were 3 & 4 and I had to have their father take them for what I was expecting to be a couple years. It took a bit longer but when I got on my feet he wouldn’t give them back & told me to take him to court. Well since I lived about 2 1/2 hours away & had no transportation the courts decided he would have primary custody & I would see my kids every other holiday & all summer long til they had to go back to school. I have always regretted breaking up our little family & would give anything to go back & change it. Although my kids say it didn’t affect them negatively, I can see different. They have become respectable, amazing, adults & I am so proud to be their mother but I beat myself up almost daily for the underlying pain I’ve caused them. You are so not alone on this one!!!
Dear Guilty Mom,
All parents, in fact ALL HUMANS MAKE MISTAKES. They are actually just a part of the learning process. Not that I am condoning anything people ever do as okay but we all can learn from our mistakes and hopefully we do better after we have come to understand our failings.
No one is perfect. Your children won’t be perfect. You shouldn’t expect yourself to have been perfect. There was no book no manual to look up the right answers. Remember we all only get one life a piece and yours is not meant to spend in regret and self-loathing. Now that you understand more you have the chance to give your children ideas to better their own future and that of the world in turn. Show them it’s okay to love yourself by doing that yourself. That will give you positive reinforcement in your worthiness as a parent. Also it will be a lot of great memories for you and them in your futures.
A lot of times a parent wonders this on a yearly basis. Usually after Christmas. Or while trying to provide Christmas. Talk to your kids. Get the view from them. You can’t forgive yourself if you don’t talk to them. 9 times out of ten. Moms don’t give kids what they want we supply what they need. If you feel confused. Again talk to your babies. From what you said about them being grown up like they are. I’m going to jump to say that you been over thinking about it your whole life and stressing for nothing. Trust me.i know. I have three boys and they gave me a run for my money. I’m talking a porch almost caught fire. (Fireworks before I could finish getting everything) and so much more. A twist of Roseanne and home improvement type home. And yes I hope I made you and Ll moms laugh just then.
I think we are more apt to give grace to our kids, our friends and our families than we are to ourselves. We all need to learn more self love. I truly believe this is because of how we were raised. We all make mistakes but we also learn from them and hopefully don’t repeat them.
Stop beating yourself up, and know this that there’s no handbook that tells you exactly how to raise a child. We do the best we can with what we have. We’re bound to make mistakes. If you have apologized then let go and learn from it. Live your life with a renewing of your mind. Ask God to teach you to love yourself as he loves you. Embrace your children for who they are. Live your best life. God Bless You
Trust your parenting, we all make mistakes and truth be told we don’t know we’ve done something wrong to someone/our children until they tell us.
Even then we used our best ability to discern what to do and what not to do. We worked with what we have/had.
The biggest thing that stands out to me as a mother of 5 is we are present and active enough in their lives to make mistakes. That means we tried and did our best. That’s better than not being present/active.
I was a single morher of fiur most of my kids’ lives and I felt guilt constantly. I wanted more time with them,; I didnt want to say No so often and I wanted to solve every little problem they had. I had health problems myself and I often eorked two jobs to cover sports equipment, dance lessons and prom dresses. Dont ask about college.
I have one daughter who is an addict. I went bankrupt keeping her in treatment. She hasnt talked to me in a year. A raging phone call from her said her use was due yto my neglect, my abuse, my calling her ugly, etc. I love her with all my heart but none of that is true. However, it made me realize how much I DID do.
Without child support or anything but criticism from her father, I was there—always. Even as she was an adult ising with a small son. So, I am moving on and I am focusing on myself. Better late than ever; I am almost 80. II she doesnt know the truth I do.
I am lucky to have had the creativity and strength that I have and I love all my children and grandchildren with passion, but the guilt serves no real purpose. I did my absolute best. You did too.
We were never given a manual on how to raise our children. Sometimes outside circumstances interfere with our plans. We all do the best we can. God gives us hurdles to overcome to help us grow. But those hurdles are seen by others who watch our everyone. Be proud and hold your head high at the fact that your children have come through with flying colors. I am proud of mine. Do I wish I could have done better? Of course. I love them. Things sometimes happen for reasons we do not understand but we are now stronger and more wise. Be proud of any effort and all efforts you made to raising your children the best you could. There are lots of children that do not have that. They wish they could. Stop beating yourself up. Be happy for your children. They had you. They have you. They will always have you in their hearts.
Mistakes get be changed but you could change the way you do them the next time and as always told my son if I really wanted you to not be here you’d not be here and I would’ve swallowed instead, but we don’t come with instruction books neither do they as long as they’re alive and still breathing they still have a chance to shine just like you still have a chance to shine so SHINE ON and don’t look back
Let’s take a moment to appreciate those who have shown transparency. Keep speaking positivity into your life, your family, and all situations. Remember that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. By sharing your testimony, you can inspire and help others.
Everyone has parent guilt. When you’re a parent of a special needs person that guilt can be double triple quadrupled. Once you get over feeling like you have failed God. And want you to understand that you’ve been given a gift! And hopefully that happens quickly cuz sometimes it doesn’t. You start on the journey to educate yourself and those around you and ask for help! Once you’re able to ask for help and truly open yourself up for it! You find friends that are in similar situations you back them up and they back you up! I have a couple of friends who are in similar situations, Sheri Irby and Ginger Miller who are navigating the same Roblox that I’ve encountered and are helping me and I am helping them
I have also had many regrets as a parent and I made many mistakes that have affected my children bur thank God they turned out ok.
I was a stay at home mom until 2002 my mom told I needed to go to work. I should have stayed at home because I couldn’t rely on their dad. I felt bad and there were days I know that those 2 were raising each other. My daughter’s grew up without me and it hurts because I had a bedtime and I read to them and I know their dad was not there.
My daughter’s are grown and I helped raise my grandkids but it didn’t make up for all the hurt…
I think it’s awesome when we can show that we can do anything we put our minds to
We can go for walks with our kids and spend a day with them.. take them to someplace that they want to do. Just love them, hug them and tell them you love them. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Leave them a note and tell them you love them and to have a good day and you will see them later. Love mom
You have to step out this box of shame..live..do the opposite of what you always do…watch the animal bloopers to make you laugh…when ,ou trip laugh…find a way to tickle youself…I am here if you need
Dear Guilty,
Even though they’ve forgiven you, talk to them. Sometimes hearing “Mom, I forgive you!” Gives you that reassurance.
I’m recently widowed and I have not been a good mother. I made so many mistakes and the guilt I feel will never go away. My boys told me that I was a good moma and to let it go because they. They they love me no matter what. And I love them unconditionally. I asked myself how do you hurt someone that you love more than life itself. I got lost in and battled so hard and failed so many times. I was very young myself when I became a Mom. At the age of 19 yrs old, I had 2 babies and a husband and I worked 13 hrs a day. I was only a child myself. I had no manual and I royaly messed everything up as a parent. Somehow my 3 boys grew up to be good men. But for all their struggles I feel like it’s my fault
I became a single mom when my kids were just 4 and 7. I no longer want to be with their dad due to his serious addiction issues. He was a hard worker but due to his issues we were always struggling, I tried everything to get him help but he refused. My sons grew up with out him. Both of them still struggle as adults due to his absence. Raising kids alone is hard on any parent. Still to this day. I think I should have stayed but I moved on physically but I believe the guilt lingers on. I was alone for over 20 years. I did date here and there but nothing ever came of it. I did become very self sufficient, and actually enjoyed my alone time. I am now married to a wonderful man for several years now. I never thought that would happen. My sons a slowly learning to cope. My ex still has no regrets he was never a dad when they needed one still isn’t.
If your a parent you will have guilt is human your not superperson and you will soon find that out. Love your children encouraged their talents teach them to be kind and trust God. Then enjoy the fruits of your labor as a parent.
Sweetness, they turned out great because you passed that on to them. The past is the past, and you can’t go back…put a smile on your face an only think of the great things the, do and be proud…hugs from another queen mother.
No person is perfect, so no parent will be either. If you can, have a talk with your child or children letting them know how you feel. Apologize for not tending to them in the proper ways at all times. Just let them know that you wanted and want the best relationship possible with them.
Find an activity you like to do such as take up pottery or yoga or a knitting class. It will give you something to look forward to every week
There really is no book on what is right or wrong. My girls are in there 30s and I am finding out where I was lacking. All you can do is pray that you are making the right choice, and believe in yourself. We all make mistakes, just hope for the best
Give Yourself time to heal it’s not easy to just bounce back from
Yes I’m a mom actually a grandmom we raising children my grandchildren so that often makes me wonder if I’ve made mistakes in my life raising my children especially my daughter who has took a career path of being a full-time drug addict so the guilt that lies on me is deep but I had a really dear friend tell me one day and she even pulled it out in a Bible scripture that you can only teach your children for so long and the best things that you could ever do is teach them the right way as best as your ability I did all of these things but still I feel I went wrong and ain’t she held my hand and she said Denise you didn’t do anything wrong you raised your daughter you loved her you nurtured her you protected her but then she grew up and she got mixed up with the wrong people and she made bad choices don’t beat yourself up she’s an adult now all you can do is pray that she will find the right way home and get better and be here for her children it’s very admirable that you have her children and that you’re doing your best to keep them together just remember you didn’t do anything wrong you raised your children the best to your ability children do not come with instruction books they just come with lots of love so the advice that I can give you is don’t beat yourself up because I did for years when you raise your children and they’re on their own all you can do is pray for the best.
Please don’t feel guilty. We all mistakes as parents and plenty more as humans. One winter when my oldest was in middle school I made her stand outside and wit on the bus only to have the neighbor call and tell me there was no school due to snow. I did this not once but twice the same winter with the same kid. I felt horrible but we laugh about it now.
Please stop beating yourself up.We all make mistakes we are not perfect. Embrace your wonderful children.
I feel very guilty that my kids, now adults, were robbed of a family unit…..I was an alcoholic, and not the best wife to an amazing man and exceptional father to our kids. We divorced but co-parented very well but I never got over my shame and how I caused the breakup of our family. The forgiveness was there but I stall felt guilt and longed for our family unit to be back as it was in the early years with the kids. My ex passed away of cancer a couple of years ago and the kids will never get to know exactly how exceptional he was not only as a father, but as a husband, friend and man!
As a child my traumas started when I was only 6. As a parent, I did my best to break the generational curses. I went thru intense trauma therapy when she was about 10, I had a nervous breakdown. At 10, she raised me for a short time. She’s now almost 20 and probably the strongest woman I know. Yes, I made so many mistakes, and I feel so much guilty everyday, but I think I was able to break the curses I lived thru. Only problem is I feel like I made new and different ones….
I evaluated my emotions my lifestyle and found some things that I can improv on and it has made a big difference in my life and bouncing back into dating it’s been fulfilling I’m not really needing a full-time person pretty happy with myself being alone is okay being independent is okay and having someone there when I need them is okay as well.