I don’t really talk to my family. How do I keep them from fighting?

Dear Grace,

My family doesn’t agree with some of the choices I’ve made as an adult and lots of them basically don’t talk to me anymore. I’ve made my peace with it but there’s been a lot of drama between different family members and I don’t know how to help. How do I deal with conflict if I’m on the outs?

– Conflicted in Cleveland

Dear Conflicted,

Reading your letter, I’m left thinking about the two challenges you’re juggling: Feeling judged and abandoned by some family members, and then watching those you love fight. I admire the strength you’ve shown by moving past the original wound enough to try and be there for those you love. At the same time, I’m sorry for all of it. I know how hard it can be to not feel supported, and also to watch as those we love are hurting.

However, as you’ve said, you have made your peace and just want to help as best you can. So, here’s a few things you can do, regardless of the complicated dynamics:

Show up for the people in your life. At the end of the day, the conflict among your family members is not yours to take on. The only people who can fix this situation are those directly involved. Still, there are ways you can offer your support while maintaining a healthy boundary for yourself. A phone call to those you’re still close with to see how they’re doing, listen to them vent, or even plan a get together to take their mind off of things can go a long way. For your own mental health, think about the boundaries you want to set with them before you pick up the phone — for example, not bashing the other parties involved, digging up the past, or talking about particular people or situations that are sensitive for you.

Remember that you write your own rules. Just because things are difficult between you and someone else involved, doesn’t mean you can’t reach out to them if—and this is important—you want to and feel comfortable doing so. These are your choices to make. 

If a relationship is strained but you still want to reach out, consider sending a text or email. It doesn’t have to be long, and it doesn’t have to rehash the past. It can even start with, “I know we have our differences but…” Be brief but say what’s in your heart. “I know things are tough right now and I wanted you to know I was thinking about you.” Seeing you rise above your past issues may even inspire them to reflect on their actions in the present situation. 

Hold on to your peace. Even without knowing the circumstances that have you “on the outs,” I admire how much you care about everyone involved in this current drama. Keep holding true to what you need, showing support however you can, and making peace with how other people respond. If you do talk to someone involved in the current drama, you’re in a great position to listen and remind them that the only choices they can control are their own. Continue to take care of yourself—this current conflict could trigger negative emotions from your own experience, and it’s good to be aware of it and get some space if that happens. 

Your family is lucky to have you in their lives, Conflicted, even if some of them don’t always show it. 

With love and support, 

Grace