I don’t want my teenage son to turn into a jerk. How do I help him grow into a good man?

Dear Grace,

How do I know the difference between a 12-year-old boy having a chip on his shoulder from puberty or having an issue that needs to be addressed? If it is just his attitude, then what should I do about it? I’ve tried all I know to do, and it seems like none of it (talking, yelling, or punishment) affects him one bit. He doesn’t seem to care at all. He’s my only boy, and as his mom, I’m wondering if there is something I don’t get about boys’ puberty. How do I handle it?

– Don’t Want To Raise a Jerk, East Tennessee

Dear Don’t Want To Raise a Jerk,

As a fellow mom, I know the feeling of wanting to understand your kid and help them grow into a good human. Adolescence is an especially challenging time to be a parent because our children often get more insecure, need more privacy, and don’t want the same snuggles and kisses from us that they used to love (Here’s a full list of how bodies and brains change during puberty!).

We may experience life (and adolescence) differently than others, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t learn about their experience and support them well. Teenage boys face specific pressures in our culture—they are taught that in order to be “strong,” they shouldn’t share their most vulnerable feelings. As they learn more about what being a man means, boys can become uncomfortable sharing when they’re sad, insecure, or afraid, so it can get harder for them to ask for help.

Here are some suggestions (mom to mom!) for how to handle your son’s behavior:

Trust your gut on what is “normal.”

Being a teenager is hard, and so is parenting one! Teenagers go through big changes that sometimes result in mood swings or acting out. Boys struggle with mood swings in a different way than girls because boys are taught to push down their feelings and may be more comfortable showing anger than fear or insecurity. As his mom, you know your son best. It’s possible that, like you said, your son is just trying to keep his head above water in an ocean of teenage hormones. It’s also possible that there is something else going on—puberty can be a time when things like anxiety, depression, and eating disorders show up. Talk to his pediatrician about counseling if you think his behavior is something more than normal teenage mood swings.

Even when it doesn’t seem like it, he’s listening.

While our kids deal with a ton of confusing and conflicting information from their friends and social media, YOU are their greatest influence. While it might seem like your son is tuning you out, his brain is actually rewiring to help him become more independent. It’s messy, but it’s normal. Teach him how to process his new, complicated, and big teenage feelings by sharing how you work through yours. Let him know that he can trust you with his feelings—whether it’s hormones making his feelings bigger than he’s used to, insecurities about how his body is changing, or challenges he’s having in his social life or at school. Try saying something like “you can have your feelings, but can’t take them out on other people. If you want to talk, I’m always here.” Teenage years can bring exciting highs like crushes and new friendships, as well as lows like bullying and peer pressure. Encourage him to share with you and take a deep breath when he does. You might not always say the “right” thing, but that deep breath will slow you down so you can respond nonjudgmentally and with love.

Make a plan as a family.

The saying “it takes a village” isn’t only true for raising babies…teenagers need a village too! Gather your village and make a plan for how you can support your son together (your co-parent/spouse, family members, his teacher, a school counselor, or a coach). Does your village include good men that your son can look up to, or who you can ask for help if you need it? As a team, come up with consequences for your son if he crosses a line as well as “perks” or “rewards” for when you see him really putting in the effort to do the right thing, like more screen time or his favorite dinner. Child rearing isn’t just mom’s job, and the expectations you set for your son need to be consistent to work for you both. Steady rules will give your son some structure, and if your son decides he wants to open up to a trusted adult about his struggles, everyone will be on the same page on how to support him.

Raising kids has always been challenging, but social media telling teenagers how they should look, feel, and be adds even more complexity. As his mom, you can’t protect him from all of the conflicting messages in the world. And as your teenage son, he’s not going to be even-keeled 100% of the time. By supporting him during this challenging period and showing him how he can grow into the man he wants to be, you’re doing the hard parenting work that will last a lifetime.

You got this!

Grace