It feels like my teenager hates me. What am I doing wrong?

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Dear Grace,

I’m at my wits’ end with my teenage daughter. All I ask of her is to catch the bus on time, not miss school, get good grades, keep the room clean,  help when needed and respect her elders – I feel like it’s pretty reasonable. But I feel like anytime I ask her to do something or am not 100% focused on her, she acts out. She’ll miss the bus on purpose so that I have to drive her, even though she knows it puts pressure on me during the morning routine. 

She calls me and my fiancé names, yells, stomps, breaks things, just goes out of control. Yesterday she kept walking past my door calling me names. I asked her to stop and she only got worse. She is constantly disrespectful and destructive in ways that her siblings are not. I have no idea what to do or what I’m doing wrong. Help!

– At the end of my rope, Arizona


Dear Rope,

First off, I’m proud of you for reaching out about this. You’re absolutely not alone—so many parents are plagued by similar issues, and we can’t solve them if we keep them to ourselves and don’t ask for help

The fact that you reached out tells me you want what’s best for your daughter—as well as a better relationship with her. Here are some things you can do to help you both get there. 

Reflect on your relationship. We all know that teenagers can be dramatic, but even the most theatrical behavior has to come from somewhere. Asking for help is especially hard for teenagers so they tend to act out instead. While it could be trouble at school or with friends, it does seem she’s lashing out at you directly—either because of a frustration she has with you or because you’re the person she feels safe enough with to let it out. 

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship and how it’s changed over the past few years. You mentioned a fiancé, so I’m wondering how that relationship has changed the dynamic between you and your daughter, and how she feels about that. Maybe she’s worried about losing you or feels she doesn’t come first as much. You didn’t mention what the situation is with her biological dad, but this dynamic could be triggering emotions around him, too. 

Wherever her anger and frustration are coming from, one way to help turn it around is by spending more positive one-on-one time with her (It really is possible!). It doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot of easy exchanges these days, which is understandable, but take some time to think about past interactions that have gone well and ask yourself what worked there. Maybe it was a hobby you two share or a movie you both love. If you’re struggling to find those common threads, try asking her to share something she’s gotten into recently—giving her the chance to guide your time together might be the shake-up your dynamic needs. Ditching your routine for an afternoon and just having fun can help ratchet down the anger and create some trust and goodwill. 

Talk to her directly. Once you have a plan to share some quality time with your daughter and you feel you’re both out of “defensive mode,” tell her that you know things have been tense recently and you’re worried for her. Don’t make it about you and how overwhelmed you’ve felt; instead ask her how she’s feeling and what’s on her mind. If she’s hesitant to open up, you can try questions like, “What do you wish I understood better?” or “How do you feel when I [remind you to do your homework, etc.]?” 

In order for this conversation to work and move you both forward, you have to be ready to hear what she has to say without reacting or getting upset. Mom to mom, here: this is far easier for me to type than it is to do. It can feel harder than actual childbirth! You don’t have to agree with everything she says, but listening closely is the only way to understand what’s going on and show her that she can talk to you. 

Contact her pediatrician. While there is no shortage of real-life stressors that can cause teens to act out, occasionally that kind of behavior can also signal a more serious situation such as a mental health issue—or even the possibility that they’re being exposed to an abusive dynamic. If the situation at home continues to be tense—or gets worse—give her doctor a call. They can tell you what other red flags to look for, and what questions to ask to make sure your daughter’s safety and well-being aren’t at risk. 

I know how hard it is to live with conflict, and to feel disconnected from the kid you love so much. No matter what is at the root of your daughter’s anger, feeling that you’re in her corner will help her to process what she’s going through now—and will help throughout the rest of her life. You got this, Mom!

With love and support,

Grace