I don’t want to see my kids make my mistakes! Is there anything I can do to stop it?
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Dear Grace,
How do we teach our children not to follow our footsteps?
– Open-Hearted in Oklahoma
Dear Open-Hearted,
Whew! For such a short question, there’s a lot packed in here. You’ve asked something that just about every parent grapples with, for so many different reasons. It’s natural to hope our children will do better than we did, or at least avoid learning some lessons the hard way. I can’t help but wonder if there are particular mistakes you’re hoping your children will side-step? The more specific you can be with yourself, the better you’ll be able to model the behavior you want to encourage and help your kids avoid some of the hardships you faced. As you reflect on what you’re afraid of, be careful not to let any shame you may feel about your past take the wheel now. No matter what, your pathway ultimately led you to where you are, including to your wonderful children!
Once you’ve gotten clear on your motivation, here are some suggestions as you guide them in good decision-making.
Actions speak louder than words.
If you’re saying one thing to your child but doing another, you probably won’t be very effective. Younger kids make better mimics than listeners, and your older children may even resent what they see as hypocritical behavior. That doesn’t mean don’t talk about it, though. Talking is valuable. If you’re working to break unhealthy patterns or cycles in your family—abusive relationships, struggles with drugs and alcohol, or mental illness, say—open and honest conversation can go a long way. Sharing what you’ve learned and letting your kids ask questions can help keep any feelings of shame at bay, give them a sense of what to look out for, and show them that they can come to you whenever they need it. When we know better, we can do better.
Give them something to run toward, not just away from.
This was valuable advice for me when my kids were young. A friend told me that rather than constantly telling them what NOT to do, I should give them a replacement behavior. Hearing “no” all the time isn’t only a drag; it can start to lose its power. For instance, instead of constantly warning them about a friend you think is a bad influence, encourage them to get back into a hobby or take lessons in something they might like. You want them to see the world as a big place full of possibilities, not a negative place full of things that are off-limits.
Accept that they will make their own (and maybe some of your) mistakes.
No matter how much we want to save our kids from the same struggles we dealt with, we all have our own journeys that come with their fair share of joy and pain. You were a kid once, too, and I’m sure you can think back on lessons your parents tried to teach you that you just had to learn in your own time and in your own way. While it wasn’t easy—and at times may have been downright painful—I’m sure it also helped you to develop invaluable qualities like self-reliance, resiliency, and compassion. Your kids will, too.
I really feel you, Open-Hearted. As moms we want to be like bubble-wrap around our kids, protecting them inside and out and giving them all the wisdom we didn’t have. Recognizing that we have to see them fall in order to learn and ultimately thrive is one of the hardest parts of the job. But the good news is, watching them pick themselves back up is one of the best.
With love and optimism,
Grace