I know my ex was bad for me. So why can’t I get over him?

Dear Grace,

Will I ever get over the man I spent 14 years with? I invested my heart and soul just to find out that he never loved me. He is a narcissist and he has been very cruel. I’m no longer with him but he is the father of my son and he is constantly badgering me with calls. But no matter what he does or how badly he treated me, I still feel the same way about him. What is wrong with me? Will I ever get over him?

– Still In Love, Sunbury

Dear Still In Love,

First of all—there’s nothing wrong with you! The heart wants what the heart wants, even if the head knows it’s not right. Having feelings for someone who you spent over a decade with (and have a child with) is completely normal. And you WILL eventually get over him. Don’t beat yourself up for your loyalty or your ability to love imperfect people. So many of us have been in a situation where we love someone who we have to let go.

Here are some suggestions for how to move on from your ex:

Cut yourself some slack.

I can hear that you are judging yourself for still having feelings for a man you spend more than a decade with. In order to move forward and let go, you need to feel your feelings! Don’t judge yourself for feeling heartbroken and hurt by him—you are not your feelings! In fact, it might feel good to put on a romantic movie, pick out a tub of ice cream and cry it out. The only way out of heartbreak is through, so don’t be afraid to let the feelings come.

Make a co-parenting plan.

It’s nearly impossible to get over your heartbreak if the person who broke your heart is calling you every day. Figure out how the two of you can be the best co-parents possible without being in constant communication. Set your boundaries by being direct and focusing on the well-being of your child. You could say “I have a lot on my plate right now, I need to focus on being a great parent. Please only text me about our kid.” If you’re concerned that a conversation about boundaries could get heated, it might be valuable to chat with a custody attorney at an organization that provides free legal services to moms (like this one).

Focus on your future.

You are in a new, exciting (and maybe scary) chapter of life! Who do you want to be in this new chapter? You said your ex was narcissistic and cruel. Now that you are free of him, how can your life be more joyful? Maybe you will have the time and energy to pick up a new hobby, make new friends, or just enjoy some peace and quiet. Check out advice from readers on how to move on from your ex like, focus on being the best version of you, make a list of reasons why you’re not together, and try counseling.

Love and heartbreak are BIG feelings that won’t go away overnight. It takes time to recover from a breakup, especially if the relationship was one that tore you down or wore you out. Take the time that you need, Still In Love. There is a beautiful, heartbreak-free future waiting for you on the other side!

Love,

Grace