My boyfriend’s friend talks about me behind my back—and he refuses to defend me! How can I stand up for myself?

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Dear Grace,

My boyfriend, who I have two children with and have been with for 10 years, has this girl he’s been “friends” with since they were kids. The thing is, she’s always talking shit about me. Every time we get on to the subject of her he always defends her and it just pisses me off and makes me feel attacked and unwanted. What should I do?

– Anxious in Auburn


Dear Anxious,

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this dilemma. It sounds like this dynamic—both with your boyfriend and his friend – has been a thorn in your side for far too long. 

You should be able to trust that your significant other has your back, but it seems like right now you might be worried that he’s not choosing your team. Instead of waiting for him to step in and change the dynamic, I have some suggestions for steps you can take to finally find some peace:

Take a quick look in the mirror. I like to think that one thing I have in common with Taylor Swift is that “I keep my side of the street clean.” Sometimes when relationships break down, there are hurt feelings on both sides and things we could have done better, even if we never intended to cause offense. So, before you move on to the next steps with this situation, take a beat to think how—if at all—you may have contributed to the bad blood between you and this friend. Hear me loud and clear: I’m not saying that you’ve done anything to deserve being mistreated, but I know from my own experience that we all make mistakes and have quirks that can be hard to recognize in ourselves.

Assess the role she plays in your life. Assuming there’s no healing to be had and she’s not going to change, my question is this: How big a part does she have to play in your life? I’ve always believed that while we should be kind to everyone, we don’t have to be friends with everyone. Keeping her at arm’s length and letting her just be your boyfriend’s friend can give you the distance you need to create peace in your own mind and in your relationship. Be upfront with him about your new boundary and ask him to support you. Added bonus: Removing her from your life (and your social media) will also keep her from collecting ammunition to throw back your way.

Remember, it’s not your job to respond to her criticisms. I know how much it hurts to feel unfairly attacked. But remember, you’re in a relationship with your boyfriend, not with his friend. While we both wish he would be more enthusiastic about defending you, the only one you can control here is you. Letting her live rent-free in your head will only cause you further pain. Bullying is usually a reflection of the bully, Anxious, not the person they’re targeting. Whether she’s jealous, feeling insecure about her own choices, or just plain mean—it’s none of your concern. For now, release the issue and be at peace with it.

There are plenty of times when hearing hard truths about ourselves can help us grow—but the common thread in nearly all of those cases is that we’re asking for input from someone we trust. No matter how you slice it, your boyfriend’s friend cannot check either of those boxes. Cheers to living your best life and muting the unnecessary drama.

Sending all my love,
Grace