I never thought my husband would go behind my back. Where do we go from here?

Dear Grace,

My husband of 11 years decided to cosign on his daughter’s 30 year mortgage behind my back and I don’t know what to do! I feel so deceived because we already agreed that we’re not financially able to co-sign on such a big loan! I didn’t sign anything, but we are supposed to be a team and this is going to affect me a lot. What else is my husband hiding? Help!

– Pissed in Eden Prairie

Dear Pissed, 

What a shock, I would be just as upset and freaked out if I was in your shoes. Taking on a mortgage, even as a co-signer, is a big decision that affects the whole household. There are two dynamics here that I hope I can help with: sorting through this breakdown of trust and dealing with any financial fallout. 

Talk About Trust. Money comes and goes, but trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. It sounds like you made your feelings about co-signing clear, but your husband went ahead without you, which makes me wonder: what happened? Did he disagree all alone but felt uncomfortable saying so? Was he listening when you had this discussion? Did he hear you and just ignore your wishes? 

Before you spiral into what this means for your relationship as a whole, a conversation is in order. Sit down with him, tell him how you’re feeling and ask why he didn’t respect your request not to co-sign. I know you’re, well, Pissed, but take your time and listen to him. Is he feeling like you aren’t supportive of his daughter? What does he need from you in the relationship right now? It may be hard to hear, but it will help you understand how you got here. 

Now it’s your turn to share. Explain the impact his decision has had on you. Beyond the very real financial consequences, this experience has shaken your trust in him and created doubt that he is being honest with you in other ways. 

Tell him what you need to build back that trust – something that, we all know, is hard earned and easily lost. Share a few things he can do to earn back your trust, like honoring your feelings when making decisions that impact you both, telling you up front if he disagrees, and being true to his word. The ball is in his court. 

Give Your Credit Some TLC. Your husband co-signing on his daughter’s loan carries some very real risks for you both, whether you signed or not. It can impact his credit score if she makes late payments, banks may not want to lend him any more money, and worst case scenario – your step daughter can’t pay and you two get stuck with the bill. 

It’s important that you get your financial ducks in a row so that no matter what happens, you feel confident that you will be okay. I would suggest checking in on your own credit score and tending to it with extra care right now. 

Talk About The “What If’s.” Since your husband has already signed on the dotted line, the next step you can take together is planning what to do if anything goes south. Have a conversation about how you will respond if his daughter ever has trouble making payments or starts paying late. Once you two agree on a plan of action, share it with his daughter so that everyone is on the same page. 

Trust? Check. Credit? Check. Plan of action? Check. I won’t pretend that this is an easy situation, but I hope my advice helps you move forward with confidence. 

<3 Grace