I think my boyfriend is cheating on me again. Is it time to break up with him?

Dear Grace,

The love of my life and I have been together for 7 years. A long time ago, he cheated on me, and I forgave him. Recently, he has shown me the same signs as he did when he cheated the first time. He claims he’s not cheating, but I feel he’s lying to me. Am I right? Is he cheating again? I feel like I need to break up with him.

– Stressed Out in Nebraska

Dear Stressed Out,

Oh, friend. Not only did your boyfriend break your trust, but you have reason to think he’s doing it again?! No wonder you’re “Stressed Out.” I don’t know your situation well enough to tell you if your man is cheating on you, but it sounds like the root of the problem is that you can’t really trust him when he says he isn’t. 

Let’s talk about how you can navigate this situation with minimal heartbreak:

Take a deep breath.

You are in a tough situation, Stressed Out. It takes courage to pay attention to that small voice inside that says something isn’t right. No matter what the truth is, not being able to trust your partner can bring up grief, anger, and insecurities. That’s a lot! Prioritize your self-care to keep your wits about you. Go for a walk, journal, or talk to a friend about what is going on and how you can take care of yourself during this time. Take care of your body by getting enough sleep, drinking enough water, and doing calming activities. Your heart and mind are likely racing and will need help slowing down.

Think about how to rebuild broken trust.

Your boyfriend broke your trust when he cheated on you. You said you forgive him, but it sounds like you still can’t trust him. Building back trust after it has been broken is hard work, and it doesn’t happen overnight. What would your boyfriend need to do in order to win your trust back? Maybe sharing his location with you on his phone, having him call you to wish you goodnight before bed every night, or planning more date nights to show you that you really are his main priority. Make a list of ideas and think about what he would need to do to make you feel secure in the relationship again. Then, spend some time reflecting on whether you want to take the risk of giving him that second chance.

Talk to your boyfriend about how to move forward.

Regardless of what he has or hasn’t done recently, you know that your trust is broken, and in order to move forward, he has to commit to helping rebuild. That work starts with an honest conversation, where you admit that you still don’t trust him after he cheated on you (even though you forgave him). Once you share this vulnerable truth with him, try asking him, “How can we work together to rebuild that trust? I have some ideas, but I want to hear yours too.” If he isn’t willing to do that work, I do think it is time to walk away. 

Relationships can’t survive without trust. It sounds like your boyfriend broke your trust a while ago, and now the consequences of his actions are rearing their ugly head. You deserve a love that is secure, but sometimes that kind of love requires brave conversations and putting in the work. Whether you decide to stay with him or choose to leave to focus on yourself, this community is here to support you. Focus on self-care, reflect on how he can earn your trust back, and then have that brave conversation. 

Sending strength, 

Grace