I want a commitment, but my boyfriend says he doesn’t want to get married. Do we have a future together?

Dear Grace,

My boyfriend of 3 years now won’t put a ring on it. I’m a mom in my 40s and my boyfriend is a divorcee and a father. He says he doesn’t want to get married again, but I feel like I need some kind of commitment to show that we are serious. What should I do?

– (Un)Married in Michigan

Dear (Un)Married,

When two people who are otherwise happy can’t agree on something as important as what true commitment looks like, it can make you question everything about the relationship. The good news is, you two seem to have a really good thing going, and this fork in the road doesn’t have to be a dead end. Plenty of people decide that marriage isn’t the end-all-be-all for them, whether because of a divorce, childhood experiences, or something totally different—but that doesn’t mean that they can’t have long, healthy, loving relationships. 

I think your case might call for some extra communication and adjusting your expectations. Here are some suggestions for finding a way forward that helps you both feel safe, loved, and that your needs are met.

Think about why you need this commitment. Lots of us grow up with the expectation that falling in love naturally ends in marriage, but how do you really feel about it? Is marriage something you’ve always imagined for yourself, is it part of your religious beliefs, or is it something that you feel proves your love to others, makes you feel accepted socially, or offers comfort as you look ahead to a future of growing old together? Ask yourself why marriage feels like such a meaningful step—there is no right or wrong answer! The clearer you can get on why this matters to you, the easier it will be to detangle what commitment means for each of you so you can keep moving forward. 

Listen to his point of view. You mentioned that your boyfriend has been married before, which is part of his reluctance to take the plunge again. Take some time to ask him about what commitment looks like for him, beyond marriage. This is a chance to understand the kind of future he envisions for you two and get on the same page about what you both want. Is there another version of long-term commitment that would make you feel safe and valued? Think about whether other steps like exchanging promise rings or moving into a home together might give you that feeling of dedication and commitment.

Don’t leave anything unsaid. We all communicate differently, (Un)Married. Sometimes what seems obvious for one person needs to be explicitly stated for the other. Your boyfriend may not have said outright that he wants a future with you, because he may think his actions are speaking for him. Asking the questions you need answered and hearing him say those words to you could be what you need most, even more than the actual marriage certificate. Conversely, you may not be expressing your desire for a stronger commitment in a way that he’s clear on how much it means to you and why. Be patient with each other and use a lot of “I” phrases: “I’d like…,” “I feel…,” “I love…,” That’s the best way to get what you need across, and hear what he needs, too.

Commitment can be scary, and being honest about what you need takes courage. But I can assure you, that having a conversation about your future together is the first step in making that future happen. If you find that marriage really is a “must” for you and that you two can’t reach a common ground, give yourself permission to let go of this relationship—as wonderful as it’s been—to find someone who wants the same things you do. Holding out for your boyfriend to one day change his mind is a recipe for resentment, not a happy ending. I’m sending you both all my love and wishes for a lifetime of happiness!

With love and support,

Grace