I want to be a mom, but I’m worried that a high-risk pregnancy in my state is unsafe. Should I move to a different state?

Dear Grace,

I prioritized working and saving up money when in my 20s, and so I didn’t really think about pregnancy. Now I’m in my late 30s, sturdy in my finances, with a man I truly love, and I really want to be a mom. My doctor said that we could start trying, but to keep in mind that it would be a “geriatric pregnancy” because I’m over 35. I see celebrities in their 40s having babies all the time! But apparently, it could have more risks and complications.

I live in a state that has pretty strict abortion laws. I obviously don’t want to have an abortion, but if something goes wrong during the pregnancy, I’m worried that my doctors won’t legally be able to help. I love my home, but I really want to have a baby…is it a bad idea to get pregnant in my state and at my age? 

– Ready to be a Mom in the Midwest

Dear Ready to be a Mom,

First of all—I’m so sorry that instead of feeling joy and anticipation, you’re feeling stress and uncertainty. Wanting to become a parent is a big, beautiful step, and it’s clear you’ve put thought, care, and love into this decision. I’m so excited for you! I can see that you’ve worked hard, saved money, and found a man you truly care about. You’re going to be an amazing mom.

It’s unfair that women today are having to weigh their dreams of motherhood against their state’s policies. Since the Supreme Court case that made abortion bans legal (Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization), women in different states have different rights. In some states, women have the freedom to make their own reproductive decisions and get whatever reproductive care they and their doctor deem necessary. In other states, women have suffered because they aren’t able to get lifesaving miscarriage or abortion care. You’re not wrong to be worried. And you deserve a safe, supported pregnancy just like any other mom.

Let’s talk through some strategies to help you figure out what’s best for you.

Find other soon-to-be moms to talk to.

You are not alone. I promise you that. More and more women are having babies later in life. In fact, more babies are born to women in their 40s than in their teens! There are other women in your town, in your county, and across your state who are dealing with the same worries about their safety with these new laws. This reader recently wrote in because she is worried that she and her husband won’t be able to do IVF. This other reader is navigating being pregnant at 50 years old! Find a community of women who support your dream to be a mom and your right to a safe pregnancy. Look online at local Facebook groups and ask your doctor if they know of any support groups for older moms or first-time moms. It helps so much to have someone to talk to who understands what you’re going through.

Talk to your doctor about what these laws mean for your care.

It sounds like you already have a doctor you trust—great first step! The next step is to sit down with your OB-GYN or midwife and ask them about the laws in your state (You can use this interactive map). For example, some abortion bans have exceptions for life-threatening situations, but the language is vague—and many doctors are hesitant to act until a situation becomes dire. Ask about the risks you should look out for and what they mean for your care (both preventative and in case something goes wrong). How can your doctor or midwife support you in that kind of scenario? What are your options? If your provider doesn’t explain your rights or answer your questions clearly, then they are not the provider for you. There are still doctors in abortion-restricted states who are willing to talk about abortion and how they can help you in case of emergency. You deserve a provider who will be honest with you and support you as much as they legally can.

If you choose to stay, make a safety plan.

No one wants to think about the worst happening. I hope no matter where you are, your pregnancy is safe, and after delivery, both you and your baby are happy and healthy! But it’s smart to be ready, just in case you need help that your state can’t give you. You might want to look up nearby states where care is easier to get and figure out how you could get there if needed (it is currently legal to travel to another state for abortion care). Think about things like: who could drive you, how far it is, what documents you would need, and how you’d pay for it. There are also some virtual clinics that can prescribe you a pill for miscarriage management or medication abortion and send it through the mail (here is one of them!). I know that sounds intense, but it’s no different than packing a hospital bag—it’s just another form of being prepared for your baby.

Do what’s best for you and your family.

Whether you choose to get pregnant in your state or move to another state is a deeply personal decision. No one—not even me—can tell you what to do. You’re the expert on your life. But I can tell you this—you’re not the only one thinking about it. More and more people are moving to states where they feel their reproductive rights and medical safety are protected. Think of it less as a retreat and more as a migration toward freedom, safety, and support. Any mom in this community would understand doing whatever it takes to give yourself and your child the best chance for a safe pregnancy and delivery—even if the move is temporary.

You deserve a safe, happy pregnancy, Ready. It’s not fair that you have to worry about your state’s policies getting in the way of good medical care. And it’s okay to feel scared or even angry about that. If you feel like speaking up, write or call your lawmakers. They need to know that their rules are hurting real women like you. They work for you…and one day, your child may thank you for speaking up.

No matter what you decide, I believe in you. You’re already showing how strong and thoughtful a mom you’ll be. I’m sending you love, strength, and all my best for the journey ahead.

With love and belief in you,

Grace