I’m a single foster parent and I just got engaged. How do I make sure my fiancé is ready to be a foster dad?

Dear Grace,

I am a middle aged woman. I just got engaged like a month and half ago. I should be happy, right? Well, my fiancé is aware that I have been a foster parent and that it’s something I really believe in. He asked me to move in with him, since I have been staying with him on and off recently. A week ago, I got a call asking me to foster two siblings and he said, “Well, you’re taking them to your house, right?” Of course, I told him yes and now my foster kids are arriving tomorrow. I got their rooms all ready, but I noticed that my fiancé is acting differently. Last night he took my phone from me while I was talking and complained that I’m always on the phone. I’m not sure what to make of it, am I overthinking things?

– In a Weird Place in Illinois

Dear In a Weird Place,

What an incredible thing that you’ve done with your life, becoming a foster parent! I have nothing but admiration for the time and heart you’ve put into making a difference in the lives of children who need a safe place to grow. Thank you! 

Knowing that you want to continue with this work regardless of whatever changes you make in your personal life, I have a few thoughts for ensuring a smoother transition.

Be direct. It sounds like you and your fiancé have never had an explicit conversation about what you each expect married life to look like—and what that means for your continued foster care. The current situation is the perfect opportunity for you to tell him that you want to continue with this work after you are married, and to ask him if he can support it alongside you, not just tolerate it. Let me repeat that one more time for the people in the back: Loving someone well means not just tolerating their passions, but actively supporting them. Besides, taking children into your home isn’t something that he can ignore, like a pottery wheel or a Peloton. Interacting with children on a daily basis takes a lot of patience, empathy, and cooperation from any future partner, and you need to know if he’s up to it for the kids’ sake, as well as yours.  

Make a plan for fostering. In the short term, it sounds like you’ll still be going back and forth between his place and yours when the next children arrive. If so, it will be important to figure out how to manage your time so that the children in your care have what they need and feel truly welcome. I would suggest calling up their social worker to get some guidance on how to navigate between your home and your relationship. As you know from your own experience, the children in our foster system are vulnerable. It’s crucial that they feel they are priorities for the adults in their lives, and have a consistent and stable home life and support system.

Talk through boundaries. You know I sometimes have to send up a red flag, but it’s only because I want to see you happy and safe. I wasn’t there, so I can’t speculate on how the situation felt for you, but reading that your boyfriend took your phone didn’t sit well with me. We’re all guilty of paying too much attention to our devices at times, so asking a partner to put down their phone is natural. Taking another adult’s phone—not to mention while they’re talking on it—makes me pause and seems like it crosses a boundary into a potentially unhealthy exertion of control. For any relationship to be successful, it’s important to set healthy boundaries and respect them. Now is the time for you to communicate your limits, whether it’s “Please don’t touch my phone without asking,” or “Please respect and support my foster work,” and make sure he is prepared to honor your needs as an independent adult. 

To answer your original question, no, you’re not overthinking things. Not only are you about to merge your life with another person’s, but there will be children involved, too. The discussions you have now will help set you all up for the success and happiness, you, Illinois, so richly deserve. 

Sending you and your new foster babies all my love,

Grace