I’m waiting for the one who got away. How do I stay grounded?

Dear Grace,

I broke up with the love of my life and regret it every day. He is in a relationship with someone else, and knows how I feel. He has told me he needs time and that I have to be patient. It’s been a week since we started talking again. I trust him and if he says be patient, I think he means that he needs to find the right time to break up with her. So this is me being patient, wondering if he is going to break up with her and tell me to come back to him. I really think this man is my soulmate, can you give me some advice on how to be ok waiting for him to be ready to get back together?

– Impatient in Iowa

Dear Impatient, 

My heart goes out to you after reading your story—you loved, lost, and are now in a sticky kind of in-between while you wait to rekindle things with your ex. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is nothing at all, but I’ve got some advice to help you get through this time and come out stronger than ever. 

Focus on you. It’s easy (and understandable) to find yourself constantly mulling over this situation and how your ex might be feeling, but it won’t make time move any faster. The best thing you can do for yourself while you wait is to spend time on yourself. Fill your calendar with activities and interests that you enjoy and that take your mind off of the waiting game. When it comes to running out the clock, distraction is your friend. 

Reflect on your past (and future) relationship. Starting fresh after time apart can be both joyful and challenging. Just because you are planning to get back together doesn’t mean that issues you faced in the past will disappear. Take some time to reflect on what you want to do differently this time around—can you communicate better? How can you step up to support one another? What do you want your partner to know as you start this new chapter? Answering these questions for yourself will give you a solid foundation to build on together. 

Set a timeline for patience. While I agree that patience is a virtue, it’s also important to settle on a reasonable timeframe for restarting your relationship. You can’t put your life on hold indefinitely, so have an honest conversation with your ex about when he will be ready to get back together so that you know what to expect. If he isn’t able to tell you how much time he needs, it’s up to you to decide how long you’re willing to wait before you reconsider your options. At the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. 

Anyone who has ever waited by the phone for a text or call can appreciate the situation you’re in, Impatient. Sending you all my love, I’m rooting for you!

Love, 

Grace