My daughter hosted this year, and the night ended in tears. Is this holiday drama normal?

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Dear Grace,

After much hesitation, I agreed for our daughter to host Christmas this year and was tense the whole time we were there. She was cleaning up constantly and exhibited a lot of OCD behavior. She won’t let anyone help yet complains about not being able to relax. Towards the end of the night, she left the kitchen while cleaning up a spill and proceeded into the living room and screamed at our grandchildren because there was some arguing. We left shortly after as did our other daughter. I cried all the way home. Two days after Christmas we get a text apologizing for the screaming but deflecting the blame on her being tired, the noise, etc. Is this normal behavior?

Frustrated in Fort Worth


Dear Frustrated,

I’m sorry that what should be a time to come together with loved ones turned into such an upsetting day for you all. Family get-togethers can be wonderful, but they can also push us into old family dynamics, put our sensitivities on display, and just feel overwhelming. The stress of attending—much less hosting—these events can end up overshadowing the fun, but it doesn’t have to be that way. 

I hear a lot of concern for your family here, both for your daughter and your grandchildren. Here are some suggestions to avoid repeats in the future, and make sure next Christmas is memorable in a different (good!) way.

Understand the full picture.

You asked if your daughter’s behavior is “normal,” and unfortunately, I can’t give you a clear answer. “Normal” looks a little different for each of us and for each family. Holiday hosting is rarely without stress. I know I’m not the only one here who has shut herself in the pantry for a moment of peace and quiet. While I can definitely empathize with your daughter’s feelings and being overwhelmed, it sounds like there might be more to the story. 

You mentioned your daughter’s OCD behavior—if she really does live with obsessive-compulsive disorder, chronic anxiety, or a different mental health condition, it’s common to have trouble with something as hectic as hosting a family dinner. I recommend you take a look at these guidelines for supporting a loved one with OCD, to learn how to help her manage hosting, instead of nixing the idea altogether.

Check in with your daughter.

Whether she has a diagnosed condition or not, it’s clear that your daughter is downright overwhelmed. It might sound obvious, but it’s pretty hard for any of us to be our best selves (or best hostesses) when we’re personally struggling. A phone call or lunch out (not to revisit Christmas but just to talk to her about her life and what’s going on) may help her to open up about how she’s feeling. She may not have many opportunities to unload about the pressure she feels; having the chance to talk with you could be a great outlet for her. Plus, this gives you a chance to understand her better and relate to her through your own experiences. If she has fond memories of family meals at your house growing up, she may be feeling pressure to “keep up” with family traditions—you can reassure her that she doesn’t have to be perfect for you.

Help her make a new plan.

Rather than rehash her outburst, create the space to talk about what you all really want out of the holidays. It sounds like family time is what’s important to you both,  and there are plenty of ways to achieve that without tears. Maybe you could all go out to eat, so you can focus on each other rather than the cooking or clean-up. If hosting is important to her, you could volunteer to bring dinner or use disposable paper plates and napkins to make cleaning up easier. The important thing is that you identify your priorities and pitfalls together, and make a plan to make sure everyone can enjoy the day and leave full and happy.

As someone who has hosted a big family more than once over the past several decades, I can tell you that it has been a process to recognize both my limits and—just as importantly—what really matters to all of us. I couldn’t have done it without the supportive people in my life pitching in and assuring me they were just happy to be together. I know you and your daughter can get there, too. 

With love,

Grace