Is dating in your 60s impossible?

Dear Grace,

I’m 61, divorced, good-looking and wanna start dating after being single since 2015. The problem is that guys only want a booty call or are really not interested. How come I can’t find a decent guy? Am I not worthy? I’ve been on dating sites for a year and still, nothing.

– Not Feeling It, Nebraska

Dear Not Feeling It,

Let’s set the record straight, having a hard time on the dating scene has nothing to do with whether you’re worthy of love or a relationship. Plenty of people are struggling in their search for love, especially since more adults are struggling with social anxiety post-COVID. In addition to having rusty social skills, it seems like new dating phenomena are constantly appearing to turn the experience into even more of a minefield. “Hesi-dating,” “ghosting,” and “zombie-ing,” OH MY!

Back when I was dating, my mom said something that helped me stay grounded: “Dating is not the center of your life, it’s an addition to the happy life you create.” Your job, friend, is to make sure your cup is full. Spend time with friends and families, prioritize your health and fitness, and build your social life around your hobbies. When your cup is full, the love you will accept will be far better than the love you accept when your cup is empty. The sum of you and your life is way more than the dates you go on.

With that in mind, let’s talk about how to make dating work better for you:

Communicate your needs early. It sounds like you’re getting stuck with guys who want something different than you want. Although it can be scary to tell an almost stranger what you want, being clear about what you’re looking for will ensure that neither of your time is wasted. Life’s too short to spend time with men who don’t get you! Be honest early on about what kind of love you want, what your boundaries are with intimacy, and what values you want your partner to share.

Re-think dating success. A first date doesn’t need to have an immediate spark. In fact, sometimes an immediate spark burns out too quickly. Open yourself up to a slow burn. Just because the first date didn’t give you butterflies doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be a second. After a first date, instead of asking yourself “Did he take my breath away?” try asking these questions:

• Am I proud of how I talked about myself and my life?
• Did I learn something new?
• Did my date ask me questions and listen to my answers?
• Did my date make me laugh?
• Did we find out we had anything in common?

Try getting offline and in person. The best way to meet people in person is to attend events or spend time in spaces that align with your values and interests. Try calling your local church or community center to learn about what clubs and volunteer opportunities they have. Take a crafting or workout class in person instead of over Zoom. You can even try a singles meet-up or speed dating event! When you spend time building community around your interests, you are more likely to meet potential dates who you already have things in common with.

It sounds like you’ve had a frustrating year, Not Feeling It, but your guy is out there. And until you find him, you are more than enough. 

Grace