My boyfriend and I aren’t on the same page about using protection. How can I get him to see my side?

Dear Grace,

My boyfriend tried to talk me out of wearing a condom. I’m not comfortable being intimate without protection. What can I say to him to set this boundary? And what does this say about him? Should I be suspicious?

– Hate Talking About This, Hamilton

Dear Hate Talking About This,

I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, because it may not be easy to hear—what your boyfriend did is not okay. I’m so sorry that he made you feel unsure or conflicted about a boundary that you set about your own body. If that was my son, I’d have a STERN talking-to with him about how to treat the women in his life. Your boundary is completely valid and it was not okay for him to try to talk you out of it. No matter how long you’ve been a couple, being intimate with someone is an extremely vulnerable experience, and you deserve to feel safe and have your choices respected by the person you choose to be with.

Also, you are not alone in this. Many women can relate to being in a sexual situation where they felt taken advantage of, pressured, or disrespected. . .I know I have. And I get why you “Hate Talking About This!” It can be hard to talk about, especially when it feels like it’s in the grey area between definitely wrong and definitely right. But as your friend, I want to remind you that anyone who disrespects your birth control choices is definitely wrong. In fact, I recently learned that there is a form of abuse called “stealth-ing” and a form of abuse called “reproductive coercion” which both include a partner not respecting the woman’s desire to use protection.

Here are some of my thoughts on how you can move forward from this:

Stay strong.

You have every right to protect your boundaries and your body. Safe sex isn’t just about protecting against unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or infections. It’s also about peace of mind. I’m proud of you for listening to your heart and setting this boundary, and I’m so sorry that it was not respected. It’s not easy to speak up about what we want (especially in the bedroom) but your safety and the trust you will build is worth the tough conversation. The bottom line: don’t back down. You deserve a boyfriend who will respect your body, safety, and choices. He’s just going to have to get on board!

Put him in his place.

It sounds like your boyfriend needs a reality check. If you don’t feel safe and respected in the relationship, there won’t be any relationship at all! Have a conversation with him (outside of the bedroom, not in the heat of the moment) about what happened. Share how it broke your trust, how it made you feel, and what you need from him in order to move forward.  You know your relationship best, but you could start with, “I want to talk about what happened the other night. It really upset me that you tried to pressure me to not use a condom. I’m not comfortable with that. If we’re having sex, we’re using protection—no exceptions. I need you to promise you won’t do that again.”

I can tell based on your question that this whole interaction has you questioning your relationship and I understand why. Normally I would encourage you not to try to read his mind or assign meaning to his actions without talking it out first. But the truth is, there is no good reason why he shouldn’t wear a condom if that is what you want. It’s important to talk with him about what happened, but his “why” isn’t as important as how he responds to your feelings being hurt. I have my fingers crossed that he gives you compassion and an apology.

Keep an eye out for red flags.

On the off-chance that your boyfriend doesn’t respond to your conversation the way we’d like him to, spend some time reflecting on the relationship. Are there other times that he has used guilt, coercion, or dismissed your concerns? A caring partner should respect your choices and your boundaries. If he’s making you feel guilty or pressured, that’s not love—that’s control. If him pressuring you is part of a larger pattern of not respecting your body and your boundaries, it might be worth considering whether this relationship is truly what you want.

• Pro Tip: This “warning signs of abuse” website can be helpful in sorting through how seriously to take a partner’s behavior. You can also check out the advice I gave to this woman who shared that she is in an abusive relationship but isn’t sure if she should walk away.

Trust takes work to rebuild, and both partners have to be willing. Your boyfriend was wrong to pressure you about protection, and that likely hurt your trust in him. If he can respect your boundaries and prioritize mutual respect, there’s a path forward. But remember—compromise should never come at the cost of your sexual health or mental well-being. You deserve a partner who values, protects, and truly respects you, in and out of the bedroom.

With love,

Grace