My son is with a woman who is critical of everything he does. How can I get him to see he deserves better?

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Dear Grace,

My son who is 29 years old has been dating his girlfriend for about six months but they’ve only been official for about three months. It seems to me that she finds fault in everything he does. She’s constantly complaining that he works too much and goes to the gym too much. She won’t be intimate with him every once in a while and doesn’t like to do a lot of stuff outdoors. His job has been keeping him at work past five or 6 o’clock every day and he sometimes works on the weekend. He is just trying to get ahead and get back on his feet after being unemployed for two months, but she doesn’t care. If he calls her and tells her he’s on his way over around 9 o’clock at night, she almost always tells him don’t bother, I just feel that he’s such a kind and loving person that he should have someone on his level. He deserves someone that’s independent and secure in themselves.

What advice would you give me to give to him?

Just The Messenger, Jacksonville


Dear Messenger,

I hear your pride in your son and how hard he works, as well as your desire to see him happy with the right life partner. Yet, as a mom, I also know that we have to allow our children to make their own choices and learn the lessons that come from them. 

You ask what advice you should give him? The answer is: None, if he’s not asking. However, I can tell this situation is causing you concern, and I certainly understand that, so here are a few ways to find some peace with his choices. 

Think back on your own relationships.

Whether they were over quickly or lasted a lifetime, we’ve all been in relationships that have had their share of growing pains. I’m sure when you think back on your own, there were partners whose habits your loved ones objected to. Try to remember how you felt about that at the time. Did you feel like they didn’t understand or see what you saw? Was it something that you had to work through as a couple and that made your relationship stronger? Or was it a red flag you had to learn to recognize on your own? Remembering how you’ve handled these situations in your own past will help you have compassion for your son—and hopefully feel more at ease as he makes his own decisions (and yes, learns from his mistakes).

Consider things from her perspective.

There are always (at least) two sides to every relationship. She may have very good reasons for some of the behavior you object to. For example, her lack of enthusiasm for the outdoors may be because she burns easily, has bad allergies, or she may just be an indoor cat—which is her right. Maybe she’s an early riser and having someone come over at 9 pm doesn’t work for her. You say you want him to find someone who’s independent and secure; consider that not needing to see him every night, or being able to tell him when she’s not “in the mood,” is just that. Rather than judge her behavior from afar, make an effort to get to know her better, especially as she may be in your son’s life for a long time.

Be kind with your advice.

Should your son ask for it, you should share these thoughts you’ve shared with me, but keep in mind, that doesn’t mean he’s going to take it or agree. In some cases, coming on too strong can have the opposite effect, making him defensive of his girlfriend and upset with you. Plus, if he sticks it out with her in the long haul, being overly critical could strain that relationship for the three of you. Instead, try to focus your “advice” on asking questions. How does she make him feel? Have they discussed what they both want from their future? Are they on the same page? Helping him get clear about his own feelings and desires is the best help you can give him.

Mom to mom, I know you just want the best for him and to see him happy. At almost 30, he’s an adult who has to make his own decisions—and the best way to be his mom now is to be supportive of those choices.

With love and understanding,

Grace